El Loco’s Tourney-Day 1, Round 1 Results

The moment has finally arrived. Like no other moment, these eight commercials face off for most cheesy, most powerful, most relevant.  I have taken into account all of the fans conjectures and opinions and now will unveil the round one winners…

The eight seed, MJ’s “Frozen Moment” commercial is not only artistically genius, but it is spell bounding. Whoever sings that high-octave song in the background (music fans: Sigur Ros?) had the perfectly haunting  melody to accompany the somewhat random though poignant suburban clips. All of us grew up idolizing Michael Jordan at one point or another. We mimicked the wagging tongue, the jumper, the up and under layups, the split leg “dunk” (backboard slapping for us white kids) on the school yard playground. When MJ’s Bulls tipped off on NBC or TNT, we all reveled in his magic, awaiting one of his impossible game winners, three point plays, steals, or coast to coast jams. My favorite of the clips is the boy frozen in time with his bike tipping slowly. Is that not so damn relevant to our lives? As a kid, watching Michael Jordan was like the apocalypse. Anything else important to us looked dull compared to his majesty. The commercial has so much staying power that it feels eternal. But cheese it doesn’t, and comedy not so much either.

Had this commercial faced off against any other of the first round foes, it would have coasted through. But Bob Uecker is a beast in and of himself. Uecker is like Jesus with white skin and a curly afro. His nasally-horse tone to his epic voice relishes memories of World Series play in the nineties and most importantly, as Harry Doyle in the movie franchise: Major League. A series that starred Charlie Sheen before he was lampooned for his wild ways. Funny thing is that Sheen was called “Wild Thing,” in the movie series, which acted as a creepy manifestation of what literary critics call foreshadowing.

I’ll give you some foreshadowing. When I say Uecker, you say Jesus. Uecker, (you), Uecker, (you). Feels good don’t it? And to top it off, the white Jesus drinks beer. Uecker advances. His staying power is a tad lower than MJ’s, but his cheese factor in the commercial is perfect, and talk about comedy; “Alright maybe I wasn’t such a good player in my time…” he says in the opening. Who for the sake of a few bucks admits to the meagerness of his personal career? Only Uecker. Yes, only a fine chap like Uecker.

Godzilla was the ultimate beast. Like if Theo Ratliff grew ten feet and hungry for human flesh. In the eighties, most of us remember the Godzilla vs. series, waging internal bets on Godzilla each and every time the beast battled. Was not the twelve round-world-destructing affair vs. King Kong life changing? It was until Peter Jackson painted the oversized ape as a woman adoring, softly tempered and forlorn creature in his dismal 2007 remake.  Now Godzilla looks more Buster Douglas than he does Evander Holyfield. Which is why, a young and slightly thin Charles Barkley was able to schedule a fight with the one-time untouchable beast. But Barkley’s role is forgettable. As funny as the guy is today, he is bland and boring in the commercial, which makes the entire affair reliant upon its cheese factor. Which it has plenty of.

There is just no comparison to MJ’s “If I could be like Mike,” Gatorade commercial. I think my faded in the stars Nana could relinquish childhood memories singing that song. All of us grew up wanting to be him, the greatest player to ever play the game, a fine gambler, cheater, and everything in-between. The commercial is so bad and cheesy, that it attempts to blend both Michael McDonald (is it not?) and African grooves and rhythms in the soundtrack. How come a black athlete just happens to have African grooves? What a cliche and ignorant move by Gatorade that makes the commercial even that much more cheesy and comical. I don’t know whether or not I should put on African garb and dance in the Saharan or jam-out white-soul style with McDonald’s bad vibrato.  Nonetheless who can argue with this commercial? It rivals Michael Jackson’s “Heal the World,” melody. MJ in a landslide.

MJ versus himself? Get out. I remember when this commercial came out. I was like, noooooo f-ing (okay, not that word, I was twelve) way! MJ was like a fine wine. The older he got, the better. This commercial by Gatorade was monumental, in that it took every young kid’s life long fantasy and it made it happen. It was like seeing Kate Beckinsale dressed as Santa Claus come through you bedroom window on Christmas Morning, drop a few presents off under the bedsheets, and hang for a bit. Bar none, best moment was when the wise MJ blocks the youngster and calls him “soft.” I love that, because it was true. As Jordan aged, he got stronger and better. He shook off the “soft” name tag and planted himself in the list of all-time greats. Also, a nice little detail in the commercial is the Gatorade sweat that glows from MJ’s brow. God I wish I could glow when I sweat.

The reasons above are why MJ verses himself takes out the wonderfully classic, Pete Rose-esque dirty sex daddy Aqua Velva commercial. I have to give it to Rose. He displays the somewhat outspoken yet subdued crass version of himself in a commercial that aimed to use sexuality to sell to its products. Who better than a cheater to sell your product in a crass way? Rose was Rose in the commercial and I respect that.  Aqua Velva is cheesier than MJ versus himself, the commercial is somewhat comical, but in the end, the staying power of a fantasy like MJ v. MJ outlasts Rose’s commercial.

For the last week I have mused over the comparable nature of our 4 v 13 match up. The reason I put the Bird v Magic Converse commercial as a much higher seed, is because by most TV experts, the commercial is considered one of the all-time greats. Converse was the lead basketball shoe maker in the early eighties, and both Bird and Magic were the leagues two biggest stars. Many people believe MJ took endorsements to an all-time level, which he did, but it was Magic, Bird, and Dr. J who acted as the forerunners to the endorsement side of things.  Without those three, none of us would have reveled in MJ’s Nike, Gatorade, or Hanes world. Not only is it the staying power and the historical aspect of the Bird v Magic commercial that it makes it so great, but it is also the fact that these two were close friends AND bitter rivals. It seems impossible but this is true. In ESPN’s film on the Magic v Bird rivalry, this commercial is used to demonstrate the two’s relationship. Before the commercial they both hated each other, after the commercial (a full of day of shooting), the two became closet friends.

I have to say that I think the Kobe and LeBron puppet commercial franchise will eventually outlast something like Bird v. Magic with its staying power, relevancy, comical nature, and wittiness. But, it is too young in the franchises history to give the nod to our thirteen seed. Put it this way, it went to overtime. And the veteran old timers, hit the bigger shots late. What I do like about the Puppet commercial is that gives this present generation something to be proud of. Like the ‘Lil Penny’ Chris Rock commercials in the nineties, generation Y and Z now has their two biggest stars mocked in a puppet format. Best part of the commercial is when both Bron and Kobe are walking into the burned out shoe room, and in the background an old black woman spouts to a reporter, “At first I thought they waz’ babe-cuing.” It shows how well written this commercial is.

 I want to thank you all for continuing in this process of El Loco’s Tourney. Don’t quite chiming in at http://www.fansmanship.com/el-locos-pro-commercialmusic-video-tournament/ as we will continue with our next eight tomorrow. Who should win? Does Grandma Ma take out the famous Bears shuffle? Mean Joe Green or Magic’s silly Slice commercial? Let me know and have a chance to win a fansmanship.com t-shirt.

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   03/25/2011 at 8:31 am

   […] you are wondering who won yesterday, go to http://www.fansmanship.com/el-locos-tourney-day-1-round-1-results/. There you will taste the magic of a tournament that encases childhood memories, humor, and flatout […]