The Larry Johnson Lesson

They’re both nicknamed LJ, but Larry Johnson and Luke Johnson are not, in fact, the same. By Bryan Horowitz, via Wikimedia Commons

I have been thinking lately about what it means to be a man and what Larry Johnson, former all star NBA forward, means to that endeavor.

20 weeks ago, my wife came gleaning from the bathroom with her beautiful blue eyes to say we’re pregnant.

Me? A father? 

It had been seven forsaken months I had tried to do the deed. I was a pinch away from dropping trou and offering a specimen to a doctor with a name like Lionous Hankerworth, just to hear him say son youz be shooteen blank.

Pregnant means that in a matter of five months I will no longer be the same Luke Johnson. My life experience will be about making the completely original life experience of Giana Grey Johnson, special.

But had I dropped bombs and boned out on a million others like Larry Johnson, how special and original would those new lives be? As hard as saying I do is, and all the expectations that follow with it, I have to say that the struggle is worth more than the success: Love is a singular seduction, not an inclusive diatribe.

Working this sort of thing out though, comes in steps, and here is how I have been preparing myself.

* As of last Monday I officially began a fast from NBA 2K13. I failed on Tuesday and attended confession, receiving 10 hail mary’s and 3 lord be with you’s.

* I have begun my search for a shotgun.

* All week I have worn tighty whities and a wife beater.

* I have combated my repulsion to the smell of feces by purposefully whiffing the cat box early in the morning and at midnight.

* My grocery list as of today: High waters, striped tube socks, Toyota Previa, Girl Scout cookies and an off-brand robe.

I wager, had Larry Johnson embraced these simple yet poignant powers, he too, may have marveled in the love one feels when thinking of their first born with their only lady.

But fame got the best of grandmama. Nipped him in the ass and turned him into money coming in and money going out. Should have been bottles and diapers and that faint sound a father hears when his baby begins to laugh.