El Loco’s Official Tourney: Day Two, Rounds 1 and 2

Interpretation, interpretation, interpretation!  This is all just an interpretation. It is like Pablo Picasso who dumbfounded artistic critics with his stylistically brilliant edge or confused and befuddled the old fashioned art lovers. Whatever it may be, all  these commercials and music videos held great weight in pop cultures TV world. 

Upsets in March are like oxygen to the lungs. Without upsets, the madness of the madness grows dull and barren, and begins to resemble a pollyanna 50’s Christendom. The story line is this: David over Goliath.  And each and every time David conquers, we revel in the sudden nature of March, collecting stories worthy of re-telling for most of our lives.

We all desire to have the stories worthy of telling our children and grand-children.

So the story is this. Grandma Ma was the first major commercial series in the MJ era that resonated in the hearts of young ballers. Seeing the cocky Larry Johnson with his beefy biceps androtund ass in a floral dress, black high tops, with a curling old lady mullet, and a cliche gold tooth, was a character that whether you wanted it to or not, burnt itself into the piggy bank of your long term memory. It was righteously disgusting. A perfect depiction of the post-modern world that judges things by the standards of moral relativity.  It was beautifully un-beautiful. How artistic. LJ was the pre-Kimbo Slice.

And if beautifully un-beautiful is the standard by which I judge things, then the Chicago Bears Superbowl Shuffle has to be the Dale Earnhardt of the commercial world. Seeing sweetness with his bad side-step singing in his oddly high and sensitive Mike Tyson voice was stilling. Ill never forget seeing his Luis Polonia Gerry curls bob while he sings a cheddar cheese version of a champions ode. Add in Bears quarterback Jim McMahon leading the procession with 80’s sunglasses, illuminating mullet, and we have ourselves the Picasso of artistic beauty. Bears Superbowls Shuffle in a landslide!

Mean Joe Green limping off the field with his gristly salt and pepper beard is just funny. I know it sounds bad, considering the guy is clearly in pain. But how is a large man who resembles a nutty axe-murderer in tights not funny? The perfect moment in this commercial is when the small boy offers Joe his coke, andhe brushes off the kid with continuous “yea rights.” Joe’s face in the commercial looks more like: “Do I have to repeat myself dumb shit? Come on foo’, a brotha is trying to go ice his legs. Shit. Leave me alone.”

Slice was the all-mighty pop in the eighties. It was the pre-Sprite that offered a barrage of flavors. I don’t know which moment is more divine in Magic’s Slice Commercial: the fact that it revolves around mandarin orange soda, or the shooting of the quarter into the Slice machine. Whichever it may be, these two hilarity’s create a layered comedic creativity within this production. With that said, as funny as the Magic commercial is, I have to give victory to the Mean Joe Green commercial. The underrated part of the Mean Joe Green commercial is its jest. At the end, a chorus of singers celebrate his drinking of coke  like a church choir. It is so ridiculous. Plus it was the commercial of its era. Mean Joe Green is our first major upset.

LeBron’s”What Should I do,” is judged by its youth. It is a young commercial dating to last summer, when Bron Bron ruined the Cleveland Cavaliers forever.  Because of this commercials age we are unsure of its staying power. So why did I include it? That is very simple my friends. LeBron may not be your favorite player anymore, but he is a good actor. In fact the guy is rather like-able off the court. Watch this interview.  LeBron carries the commercial, and the question being asked is culturally relevant to a society that lives and dies by the paycheck.

Have we not all made choices that we regret because we were pressured by friends and family to do so?

The answer to that question above is YES; capital YES. But I am a funny guy, and a funny guy looks for comedy above and beyond anything else. Who is thee comedian of our generation? I know that question may be difficult to answer considering most people of my generation have a poor sense of humor, but the answer should be Chris Rock. Rock is without question a top five comedian of all-time. His crass, ballsy, humor, is a poignant investigation of race and religion in America.  So the “Lil” Penny franchise was destined for greatness. You know you have an incredibly artistic situation when the superstar, Penny Hardaway, is a 2nd rate character in the series.  Penny was the 2ndmost popular star from 95-98 behind MJ himself. The guy was a triple double machine and an athletic leviathan. Lil Penny Franchise easily takes out the young LeBron.

George Brett was an amazing ball player, so don’t mistake me for being an idiot, when I say the dude was irrelevant. As good as he was, the guy was better known for his bad attitude in the Royals clubhouse, and because of such is a truly middle class hall of fameer. It’s this factoid that makes the Brett 7Up commercial so damn great. There is absolutely no story-line whatsoever, and the commercial lacks a real pungent meaning. Its scattered fray of thirty seconds feels more like an un-manicured beard than it does a tight, compact, clean, bed of facial hair. Literally the commercial ends with the most fake and annoying chuckle from a truly pissed off and bitter Brett. Who put you up to this one George, your agent?

I just can’t feel good about myself if I give George the nod over the lower echelon rap-mogul Shaquille O’neal. Who in the hell was Fu Schnickens? I mean really? They sound a bit like a less raspy version of a Busta Rhymes with braces. Their slobbering rap style is both annoying and painful. Add in Shaq when he was the king of the NBA, acting in flicks like Kazaam, attempting a shot at hip hop, and you have the oddest rap song of a generation. This is why Shaq dominates George “Bitter Roots” Brett.

Round Two

#8 Bob Uecker Miller Lite Commercial over #1 Chicago Bears Superbowl Shuffle. Why? Because everyone picks the Bears shuffle. Call me a man with favorites, but Uecker is andalways will be Harry Doyle. In fact if I saw the dude walking down the street, I would have him sign my butt with that name. As much as I will always love the Bears shuffle, my recent discovery of this similar commercial brought its originality down a tad. And there is no other Bob Uecker. None. Uecker runs away with it in the final five minutes.

#2 “If I could be like Mike,” Gatorade Commercial over #10 Mean Joe Green Coke Commercial. Bothof these were the commercials of their eras. But Mike’s song will ring forever in the hearts its generation, where as, Joe Green’s finishes with a forgettable Coke hook. MJ is three times the star Joe Green was, and was FAR more marketable, making this a rout in the end.

#3 Lil’ Penny Franchise over #6 MJ vs. Himself. I know I am going to have fans who argue with me over this. And this was so damn difficult to choose. But as god-like as it was to see the greatest NBA player of all-time face off against other eras of himself, Chris Rock as far as I am concerned, is the smartest comedian the last thirty years. Rock to me is the quintessential king of laughter. This went to overtime, but Rock’s artistic genius is greater than MJ vs. Himself.

#5 Fu Schnickens featuring Shaquille O’neal over #4 Bird vs. Magic Converse Commercial. My father raised me on Larry Bird. He indwelled my life with constant talk of Bird’s greatness. I also loved showtime and Magic Johnson’s ability to get players involved. But come on, are we really going to argue against Shaq and Fu Schnickens? What’s up Doc? (Can we rock) only became famous because of Shaq’s horrific attempt at rapping. This song is settled within us forever: mockingly. Shaq takes over the 4th quarter and rolls to the win.

Finals Four Match ups: Monday, March 28th, 2011. I will need your help, so please continue to share your opinions on the Final Four matchups at http://www.fansmanship.com/el-locos-pro-commercialmusic-video-tournament/. Below are the matchups.

#5 Fu Schnickens featuring Shaquille O’neal vs. #9 Bob Uecker Miller Lite Commercial

#2 “If I could be like Mike” Gatorade Commercial vs. #3 Lil’ Penny Franchise