Lakers Go Down in Flames

Mavs 122, Lakers 86.

That is not a typo, and I am sure you are now hyperventilating. Someone call the paramedics!

In fact, that number is so outrageous, you probably think you are reading an article written by Jerry Springer. And maybe Jerry is to blame. Springer and the baby-face of Zac Efron have gotten to the Lakers heads. Add in some saucy Justin Beiber, and the half-naked, Megan Fox, and the Lakers have gone down in the flames of Hollyweird.

Weird, is the perfect word.

With the champs down 3-0 to a hungry Mavericks team, one would expect the survival mechanism to kick in. These are the Los Angeles Lakers, two time defending champs, deeper than anyone in the league, with a nest of proven title warriors. But instead, the fans have been abandoned with the pretty, bop haircut of Drew Barrymore, and are left to fend off the snakes of reality–too old; Kobe not the same; Pau soft; Bynum’s glass knees; No heart; Defensively poor; Fisher needs to fish elsewhere.

Weird, weirdness, weirder, weirdest, weirdizzle.

And while I’m on the topic, Barrymore is a perfect example. One of her first films, Firestarter, an alt-classic with a cultish’ following, features the young Barrymore blazing through American streets with an ability to start fires. She doesn’t know why she does it, accept that she gets enormously pissed off, and bad things happen to really good people.

So get out the gasoline, and start this here barbecue, because a massive roast is about’ to ensue.

Kobe IS FAR passed his prime. It was obvious in today’s game, that the fifteen years on  his thin, lengthy frame, have worn his once spry knees to ancient nubs. He came out red hot, as to be expected, shooting 6-8 in the 1st quarter. But 2-12 for the remainder, with little lift or drive, beckons the question..has his window of dominance closed?

Bynum, a guy getting paid fourteen million dollars on knees of a sixty year old’s, has reasons to smile. He is the most overrated big man in the league, with an ego the size of Texas.

I vote trade his ass to the South Dakota Greg Oden’s.

Pau is shaken by a recent breakup. Wait, a BREAKUP! Can we now consider Vanessa Bryant the new Yoko?

Fisher is now officially crowned with clownsmanship. I am positive Phil had him out there as comic relief, as everytime he threw Terry, Barrea, or Kidd to the ground, he still had it in him to somehow argue the foul call.

The problem with Artest is he is now Sir’ Ronald Artest, and no longer is going by his thug name Ron Ron “Stab a Juggler Vein.”

I think the basketball God hates Steve Blake because he no longer wears a birca.

LO is also the nickname of a former star on the Teeny Bop MTV series The Hills. And we wonder why Lamar is not a star….?

Kloe Kardashian is the 2nd woman in world history to experience immaculate conception. This occured after Luke Walton used the force during a game of Star Wars.

Walton prefers the name Yoda. Kobe prefers to call him Chewy.

Bring Mark”Mad Dog” Madsen” back, and before every game have the guy dance in a tassle embroidered thong.

Maybe this will turn Jeanie Buss on. Either that, or Phil needs to enhance his libido with viagra. Dude is so impartial, he makes a mute begger look like Chatty Kathy.

Flames.

Like Dante’s hell burning up the gloried, the Heat is on, literally.

And Barrymore, who never learns how to gauge her violent skill, is burning down the house (no pun intended).