49er Fans Flexing 1/13th Inch Biceps

One in thirteen is a percentage of 7.7%. That’s a god damn disaster if you ask me.

One in every thirteen years is like getting laid momentarily before being asked to STOP. You madly reel up the fly, waddle home, flip up a defeat of bluing balls, hit the head, shower the left of the toilet seat, and then lightly rest the hammer with a false sense of pride.

Once in the last thirteen years the 49ers have shown promise, and a prostituting set of red and gold arise with a childish banter? With biceps made of molded Play dough? Puny stiffy’s the size of a Chihuahua’s?

Just ask Alex Smith about the Swiss cheese sea of Niner’ nation. Who, over a tumultuous career in the bay, was blamed by every side-cocked-hat-sporting teen and fat bellied, overworked office copier from San Jose to Sacramento for a disastrous ownership, fickle fan base and cohort of condemned know-it-all coaches and offensive coordinators.

But after aptly delivering in last weekend’s win over the Saints with two beautifully well-timed and strong throws, Smith is celebrated by Niner’ Nation, as if each and every one of them “knew it all along.”

Despite the one blaring factoid in relation to Smith’s erratic play — that he played for six offensive coordinators and three coaches in six years — the lack of sport education from most of San Franciscans was and is the reason they missed that  point of immense gravity.

But magically, here comes Jim Harbaugh.

After his signing last January an inoculation spread among lukewarm fans like a microorganism. It was called idiocy; Idiociticosis, a protective coating endorsed by the franchise to diminish criticism and critique.

And now, just one week shy from a game against the red hot New York Giants, a team similar to the 2007 Super Bowl team but built with a nastier set of freakish receivers, the same super-duper “I got 49 problems but the Pack aint’ one” concoction of clowns are idiotically brushing aside the Giants because of a mediocre mid-season win AT HOME against them? Yes, stupidly.

Idiotic point one: Never take lightly a team this sizzling with a 4th quarter closer like Eli Manning. Hindsight isn’t 20/20, it’s blind.

Idiotic point two: Never ever be so stupid to demean an organization, the Packers, who are 13-1 against you the last fifteen years with cheap one-line replays.

Then we get into last week’s parlay against the New Orleans Saints, who just 5-3 on the road and historically weak on grass outdoors, blew it big-time with six — yes SIX — turnovers in a rumpled 36-32 loss at the hands of the 49ers.

Wait, hold on. Before I even think about the “glory” of defeating a team centered on the great Drew Brees, let me get one thing seriously straight, did I say SIX turnovers?

Six turnovers and the 49ers hadn’t finished the job in the 2nd quarter? They flailed like a fish out of water, looked like children, green and lucky, scooted with their pants on fire, and escaped the burning building.

Ugly.

Let’s begin with the micromanagement of Jim “Face like I have an angry Hemorrhoid” Harbaugh, whose force-fed slow and methodical run straight up the middle on a 3rd and 3 approach to offense is blander than a saltine cracker. Whose shackles around a blooming offense with a heavy handed dictator’s force, is shrinking the 9ers offensive testosterone. Despite the offensive weaponry of dynamic athletes like Vernon Davis, Mike Crabtree, Frank Gore, and the strong armed Alex Smith, Harbaugh’s incessantly fallen in love with kicker, David Akers, and stunted any, if any at all, offensive relevance with a drum hum one dimensional front that will not work for long.

No matter what many speculate, mostly, a Super Bowl team must manage to push the opposition on both sides of the ball.

The 49ers have some of this in their defense, the same reason the Packers this year are left wading in last year’s rotted glory with a defense made of powder puffers.

But a game-winning drive to knock off a team with six turnovers is not glorious, it’s lucky, like swinging a bat with a blindfold and hitting a grand slam.

For some of you out there, being the Troy Glaus “powerhouse” of football franchises is enough. But for me, I’d rather riddle to the roof a complex infrastructure of dominance like a Matt Kemp or Albert Pujols.

Never pick an apple early off the tree. It’s green and overly tart, taste like a lemon with a bitter skin. The 49ers are seasons away from being considered a dominate competitor.

So let it rest. Let you team be.

Revel with the understanding that the Giants have been here before and your team hasn’t, that the Packers will be there next year with an upgraded defense, the Patriots with Tom Brady, the Steelers a healthy Big Ben, Saints with a bone to pick, improved Ravens offense and the Texans a year more mature.