Men’s Slow-Pitch Softball: The Game Within the Game (Softball-Guy redeaux)

While making fun of Jim Rome’s stereotypical “softball guy” can be fun, the caricature Rome portrays is actually pretty accurate at times. Since I have been around men’s league softball for a number of years now, let me try to paint a more nuanced picture of the many different faces of softball guy. (Whether softball guy knows the word nuanced, of course, is up for debate).

This is the kind of Softball Guy who runs into a fence to preserve a lead in the bottom of the last inning. Atta boy, Dova. Atta boy. Photo by Owen Main

* Stereotypical Softball Guy -SSG  Wears eye make-up/ eye black, rolls in full baseball uniform, and thinks he’s out trying to win the world series. This softball guy is the best player on the field and fits the stereotype perfectly. Limiting home runs to only when people are on-base is this softball guy’s first priority. He can place the ball wherever he wants, never hits the ball to an infielder, and will probably hit a home run, even if it means that he is “technically” out because of “rules” about how many more home runs one team can hit than the other. SSG buys a new bat at least every year and has a huge softball bat bag (which, when reading this, he’ll use as a metaphor for something else in his steroid-altered brain stem.

* Glory Days Softball Guy – While the stereotypical softball guy is probably pretty strong/athletic, Glory Days is well past his heyday. A gleam in his eye tells you that he probably used to be able to hit at least one homer per game, but his skills have diminished. He now flies out most of the time and probably is more frustrated than your average softball guy type.

* Hard Nosed Guy – This is a variation on the Stereotype with one exception. When stereotype hits any hit besides a homer, he walks to first and calls for a runner (running the bases is sometimes hard for this modern-day Goliath). Regular Stereotypical Softball Guy doesn’t run out ground balls or really care who wins, as long as he can wear a sleeveless shirt, show-off his tats, and hit two or three jacks.  Hard Nosed guy, on the other hand, turns singles into doubles, doubles into triples, and plays at the plate into potential 9-1-1 calls. Hard Nosed Guy slides when he doesn’t need to and, like Stereotypical Softball Guy, can hit the ball wherever he wants. Hard-Nosed Guy is also the most likely to take a ground ball up the middle as an excuse to try to kill the opposing team’s pitcher because “they’re going middle so maybe we should too.” Little does he know that 99 percent of the other players out there have no control where they hit the ball. But Hard Nosed Guy can’t process that within his narcissistic brain.

* Somebody’s Friend – This is just what it says — somebody’s friend. If he was softball guy, he’d be in a league already that night, so he’s slightly confused at the intensity of other softball guys. He usually plays catcher, even if he’s better than others (he’s the new guy) and his skills can be potentially very mixed.

OTHER TYPES

* Other Sport Guy

* Foreign Guy who just was brought because he doesn’t understand baseball/softball. A variation of Somebody’s Friend.”

* Manager Guy

* Sit in the bleachers and drink beer when there are enough players without him-guy

* Drink Beer All Game Guy (can apply to all of the above)

*****

People can be one type or even a mix of various types. As I reflect on the various types, I wonder what type I am. I wear basketball shorts at each game. I have a “no sliding” rule too. I try to keep things light while still playing hard…ish. I guess I’m a conflicted type of men’s league softball player.

What “Guys” did I miss?  Post below and help me. And don’t forget, you have to wait just a little longer and swing just a little differently. And remember, it’s not baseball.