Missing Report Filed for the Man Formerly Known as “Flash”

Last Monday evening a missing-persons report was filed with Miami Metro, regarding the whereabouts of a man known as “Flash.”

Dwyane “Flash” Wade was last seen wearing a number three around his chest with the logo of a fiery basketball swishing through a hoop. According to Miami Metro specialist Dexter Morgan, “Wade was spotted two weeks ago in Indiana, doing his usual mid-air trickery and picking the pockets of his foes.”

But that Wade, the man adored as “Flash” after the comic book hero Flash Gordon, has dispersed into thin air. “What I think,” said Tim Thabo Tanner, a ravenous geek of the comic book series, “is that Wade was like the human incarnate Flash Gordon.” While inhaling marijuana for his chronic anxiety, Thebo added, “The thought is a weight on my mind. It’s just way too much to bare. Imagine it yourself…” he finished, before descending into his coloring books and broken crayons.

Wade, best known for his MVP performance in the NBA Finals in 2006, when he averaged 37.1 points per game on 55% shooting, has, for the time being, been replaced with a lesser replica, a replica Heat Executive Pat Riley refers to as “Wade version 0.5.”

“Half a Wade is better than no Wade,” said Riley, bewildered as to where exactly his master of ceremonies is. “I imagine he may be in New York City disusing a possible house swap with Carmelo Anthony,” Riley Finished.

Anthony could not be found for comment, but his bespectacled Robin could.

“I was lost for a bit,” said the man known as Amare, “and then I found my groove again,” brushing his dork rimmed glasses to the higher surface of his nose.

Wearing a  jean vest (see vest here) with mid- 90’s like Snoop shorts and black converse sneakers, Amare joked it away. “Aint’ nobody worried about Flash. He’ll find his groove.” It is hard to take anyone serious who wears a jean vest, but Amare’s words are a harbinger of hope for Flash’s teammate, LeBron James.

In a press conference Monday night,  James outcried, “I need him to give me a big game, he still has it in there,” referencing the poor play of version 0.5, who has shot just 37% over the last six playoff games. On Monday night, 0.5 scored 19 points on 7 of 19 shooting, to go with 8 assists and 6 costly turnovers.

“Where is 1.0 when you need him?” James asked before succumbing to a snot nosed sob.

It is hard to tell the two apart but both versions of “Flash” have blinding differences. Wade 0.5 is slow as molasses and insecure on offense.  He has no jump shot whatsoever and his body is breaking down.  On the other hand, 1.0 is dynamically gifted around the rim, able to draw fouls and free throws at-will. He is fast as lightning (hence: “Flash”) with a killer mid-step cross over and methodical first step. On defense, 1.0 blocks shots with arms as long as a sloth and the leaping ability of a North American flying squirrel. 0.5 resembles a christmas tree swatting at the ball.  

To put it short: 1.0 is to hammock as 0.5 is to falling coconut.

And while the rest of America is drawn into this sad story, many, including the de-sleeved Amare, find hope. “I know Wade 1.0 myself, and look man…he has always been a real sweet guy,” before brushing aside a few tears. “I know he’ll journey back. He’s got heart, brothers. Heart.”

MISSING PERSONS SUMMARY:

Name of individual: Dwyane “Flash” Wade

Age: 30 years and 169 days

Last seen wearing a number 3 with an enflamed hoop logo on the front of a jersey

Missing since May 24, 2012, in Indiana. (Witnesses say he may have jumped in the air and never come back.)

Whereabouts suspected to be somewhere in the New York City Metropolitan area.

If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Dwyane Wade, please forward those tips to lebronjames@ineedaringtobecrownedking.when?.now! Or just send them to luke@fansmanship.com .