So in my first week in picking games for the new spring football league, the Alliance of American Football, I picked all of the games correctly (4-0). Then in the second week, I picked all of the games incorrectly (0-4). What does that mean? It most likely means that I am a comedian who happens to like sports, rather than a sports writer who happens to be funny. Either way, I am definitely going into this week’s picks with a new level of “WTF do I really know about any of this stuff” and I am starting to question who I am as artist. Thank god for my daily dose of CBD oil to help make the world a cope-able (not sure if this is a word) place.

LET”S MAKE SOME PICKS!

Orlando Apollos (4-0) at Birmingham Iron (3-1), Saturday at 11am PST

Orlando is good. Birmingham is pretty good, but the main difference between the two of them is that in four games, the Apollos have actually thrown the ball into the end-zone where as the Iron have not. Birmingham has a very good defense, and has a good running game, however, their quarterback, Luis Perez, has yet to throw a touchdown, and that is just not going to cut it against the Apollos.

The Apollos quarterback, Garrett Gilbert, has thrown for six touchdowns, and 0 interceptions. Now, the Apollos didn’t look as indestructible last week versus Salt Lake, however, that game was played in Arendelle, so it’s tough to say that they really have taken a step down. Reminder that Garrett Gilbert has yet to throw an interception, in an upstart football league where all of the quarterbacks were on NFL scout teams. Not trying to be mean, but just trying to point out, that everyone has thrown an interception, except Gilbert. I feel like the Apollos are going to remain undefeated.

Prediction: The Apollos will throw a touchdown, and the telecast will cut to Steve Spurrier (reminder he coaches the Apollos) for some of his “hilarious” in game conversations.

Salt Lake Stallions (1-3) at San Diego Fleet (2-2), Saturday at 5pm PST

This one should be a good game, and is a bit of a tough one to pick. I have been saying all season that Salt Lake is the best team with a losing record. That have had some tough breaks here in there, such as playing a football game in the movie “30 Days of Night” (deep cut, I know), but they are decent team with a solid running game. San Diego was on the precipice of being a really good team, but then their quarterback, Phillip Nelson, broke his clavicle in the first half last week against the Memphis Express, and is out for 4-6 weeks.

The 3rd string quarterback, Alex Ross, came in and threw a touchdown on his second pass, and then turned the ball over a bunch. Needless to say, Alex Ross is not starting this week. However, Mike Bercovici, the Fleet starter in Week One, who was benched because he threw three interceptions, and gave the world this clip . So, seeing him back in the line-up doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence. Combine that with the fact that the Fleet offensive line wasn’t able to get the running game going last weekend, I don’t have a lot of confidence in my (yeah, I am saying “my” because I live in LA and San Diego is two hours away, and there is no LA team in this league, so San Diego is my team) San Diego Fleet.

Prediction: San Diego wins (I am a homer).

Memphis Express (1-3) at Atlanta Legends (1-3), Sunday at 1pm PST

Both of these teams got their first wins last week! Both from their former back-up quarterbacks, both of whom played against each other in the SEC, and both are some of the bigger names in the league. For Memphis, their new quarterback Zach Mettenberger (from LSU) threw for a touchdown and ran for a touchdown last weekend, leading the Express to their first win over my (please see reasons above for calling San Diego “my”) San Diego Fleet. For the Legengs, their new quarterback, Aaron Murray, came into the game against the Arizona Hotshots last weekend after the previous starting quarterback Matt Simms went out for injury, and played well. 

He was 20-33 for 254 yards, and no touchdowns (the Luis Perez special), but he more than passed the eye test as the Legends finally looked like a professional football team on offense. They had a much better time of running the football with all of their backs (Denard Robinson specifically had a little pop to his step). Memphis played well again last week, and got the win after Phillip Nelson went down for the Fleet. Both teams are trending up, but like Thursday night’s “Top Chef”, someone has to lose (I love you Michelle!).

Prediction: ATL

San Antonio Commanders (2-2) at Arizona Hotshots (2-2), Sunday at 5pm PST

The battle of the two win teams, or is it the battle of the two loss teams. Depends on how full or empty that glass is my friends (are we friends? We are? Cool. Will you watch my dog for me?). If you just look at how these teams looked last week, San Antonio is the team to beat here. Arizona, which lost to the previously winless Atlanta Legends, looked really off last week. John Wolford threw no touchdown passes, and had one pick, and the normally stout Hotshots defense was run all over by the Atlanta Legends. The Hotshots started off slow last week, as they have the past two weeks, and they were never really able to recover. Last week, the Commanders gave the Birmingham Iron their first loss of the year, with a win 12-11. I didn’t touch on this Birmingham/San Antonio game too much, because, I’m sorry, it was pretty ugly game.

The thing about the AAF is that since there is no PAT, meaning you have to go for two after every touchdown and it makes for some weird scores. That being said, as you know (killer intro to a sentence, Kenny), Birmingham doesn’t throw touchdowns, and San Antonio, also didn’t throw a touchdown either, so their 12-11 battle last week, was kind of a tough watch. Spotlight though on Kenneth (great name) Farrow who ran for 142 yards last week, and looks like a player. This game comes down to who can actually THROW the ball in the end zone, and I can’t say for certain who that is, but I will try below.

Prediction: San Antonio.

Hey guys,

It’s the second week of Alliance of American Football picks, in the fourth week of the AAF (if you need to know why I am two weeks behind, please see last week’s post). I don’t want to toot my own horn, but please allow me to toot my own horn. I went 4-0 in my AAF picks last week, and I watched every game this past weekend, even the one game that was on something called B/R Live, which was shown for free on the pay streaming network for the Bleacher Report.

Yep, on a beautiful Saturday afternoon, I sat on the couch on my house with my lovely wife. Our daughter was playing at a friend’s house and we were home alone, and I thought, you know what would be a cool thing to do right now, let me airplay this new football league game from my phone to our TV so I can watch the Arizona Hotshots vs. the Salt Lake Stallions. This woman agreed to marry me, on her own! Anyway, I am really great, and I make great picks, and it was all my super brain, and has nothing to do with luck, and I am awesome, and rock on.

Here are this week’s picks:

San Diego Fleet (2-1) at Memphis Express (0-3), Saturday at 1pm PST

This game will be on the aforementioned B/R Live, so looking forward to a pretty hot Saturday afternoon in my house, and it won’t just be the action on the field in Memphis (I understand if you stop reading after this last sentence). After three weeks, what do we know about these two teams? They both have really good defenses, as the Fleet are second in the league in sacks , and first in the league in hurries.

You want to know who is second in the league in hurries? The Express. AND all of these stats come from a league where you are only allowed to have five people on the line, so there isn’t a ton of blitzing. So, we got two good defenses, how are the offense. Well, for two and a half games the Express were conservatively speaking, f*#%ing terrible. I mean they have Zac Stacey, who is the first 100 yard rusher in the league, but they also had Christian Hackenberg at quarterback, who was just really bad. In two and a half games, he only threw for 277 yards, no touchdowns, and 3 INTS. Well, they replaces Hackenberg with Zach Mettenberger (insert David Letterman “Oprah/Uma” joke here) in the second half of the Express’s game against Birmingham last week, and he went 9-12 for 120 yards and 2 TDs.

Sooooooo, he’s starting this week. San Diego’s offense looked great last week, putting up 25 points, Phillip Nelson looked much more stable in the pocket, and Ja’Quan Gardner tore off an 83 yard run for the longest rushing play in the three-week history of the league. I actually think B/R Live might be getting the best game of the week.

Prediction: I smell an upset, but I am a homer, and will say that the Fleet will win, but I don’t feel comfortable about it.

Orlando Apollos (3-0) at Salt Lake Stallions (1-2), Saturday at 5pm PST

Salt Lake got a win last week vs. Arizona and played pretty well. They have a legit stud  on defense with Karter Schult, who literally seems to everywhere on defense. I normally hate that analogy, but if you watch the Stallions play, you will hear his name at least 17 times, and it stands out because it sounds like the announcer is saying “Karter Shit”. Trust me, watch the game, and you will hear his name a lot. Orlando is still undefeated, and still probably the best team in the league, but fell back to Earth a little bit vs. Memphis last week, especially when the aforementioned Mettenberger came into the game in the second half.

Also, Orlando had some problems running the ball last week, and they are about to go up against the number one run defense in the league. HOWEVER, (capped and bolded for emphasis), the Stallions are second to last in passing defense, something that the Apollos do very well. I have to be honest, this game is a bit of toss up, as I have said in the past the Stallions are better than their record indicates, and Orlando seems to be coming back down to Earth from their great play in the first two weeks.

Prediction: I also smell an upset, as home teams tend to win in the AAF, so I am calling this the upset special (air horn sound, air horn sound, air horn sound) of the week, as the Stallions win at home.

San Antonio Commanders (1-2) at Birmingham Iron (3-0), Sunday at 1pm PST

Speaking of falling back to Earth, San Antonio looked good in their first game against San Diego (a win), a little less good in their second game against Orlando (a loss), and looked even worse in their third game against, once again, San Diego (a loss). The news doesn’t get much better for the Commanders as they are about to face the number one defense in the league in the Birmingham Iron. The Iron have only allowed two touchdowns all season (again, only three games), but still that is a defense that is aptly named (see name: Birmingham Iron). Now, let’s talk about Birmingham’s offense.

I’m not going to mince words, it’s not the easiest hang. Trent Richardson, (yes, that Trent Richardson) has six rushing touchdowns, but they are all short runs, and he only averages 2.5 yards per carry. So, you’re not getting a lot of big runs by the offense. Luis Perez, their quarterback, has looked good, averaging close to 200 yards passing a game. HOWEVER (capped and bolded for emphasis), he has yet to throw a touchdown pass. Don’t get me wrong, Birmingham is very good, but they aren’t the coolest hang on a Sunday afternoon, and I only say that because I see Birmingham winning this game easily.

Prediction: please see last sentence above.

Atlanta Legends (0-3) at Arizona Hotshots (2-1)

Sunday is not rolling out a hot slate of games that’s for sure. Atlanta is the worst team in the league. For sure. They lost another offensive coordinator (their third in one season), their quarterback, Matt Simms has look really bad (has thrown 6 INTs and 2 TDs), and they are getting almost nothing from the the running game. A

rizona is good, but they are still waiting to hear if their quarterback, John Wolford will be able to play this week. He went down in the loss to Salt Lake last week, and has been limited in practice this week, but let’s be real. Arizona is winning this game. Atlanta is really bad, and I don’t think I need to say any more than that, other than Atlanta should let Aaron Murray play. Simms is not getting the job done, and a lot of teams are finding success when they give their back-ups a chance (San Diego and Memphis specifically).

Prediction: Arizona Hotshots. Nuff said.

See you next week, when I am 8-0!

Hey folks,

Long time, well, sort-of. This is a third attempt for some Alliance of American Football coverage (I have been watching all of the games!). Week One, couldn’t get content in on time because I got violently ill (too much?) and because of said illness I am now on a doctor recommended Whole 30 elimination diet, and I am incredibly cranking now because of it, so be nice. Week Two, I wrote previews for all of the games, but had a hard time getting them up to the site before the games were played (we all have other lives that don’t entail blogging about a Spring Football league). Whatever, it’s all good, we’re here, it’s happening, hugs to everyone involved. So, welcome to all new weekly AAF content that is new to you, but has been happening in my life for two weeks. We’re doing it.

I will spare you recaps of everything that has happened in the league for the first two weeks because I am writing this at my desk at work, and my fingers are a little cold, and the thought of typing a giant recap, feels daunting (did I mention I am cranky because of my elimination diet?). Therefore, let’s just get to my picks, and I think you will see from my in-depth analysis that I have both watched the games, but I also can update you on the league, and prove how great I am. Don’t argue that with me. Did I mention I am cranky because of my elimination diet?

Here we go:

Arizona Hotshots (2-0) at Salt Lake Stallions (0-2), Saturday at 12pm PST

Okay, so you see that one team is undefeated, and then another that is defeated, and you probably think that this game is going to be a walk for the Hotshots, right? Possibly. Salt Lake does have two losses, but they were without their starting quarterback, Josh Woodrum, last week against the Birmingham Iron, a game they lost by the blazing score of 12-9 (note: you have to go for two for every extra point in the AAF, so you get some pretty bonkers scores).

The first week, Salt Lake lost to these same Arizona Hotshots in game that was close until the fourth quarter when Arizona pulled away. Woodrum is supposedly back for the Stallions, and it’s the home opener for them as well. They have lost two close games, and are kind of due. Arizona came down to Earth last week, after looking pretty dominant Week One, with their quarterback, John Wolford, throwing four touchdowns and being named the Week One AAF Offensive Player of the Week.

Last week against the Memphis Express, a team that scored all of 0 points in Week One, Arizona had a hard time moving the ball, and found themselves down 18-6 going into the fourth quarter. Two touchdowns later, they sneaked out a win, 20-18, and found themselves undefeated. I think that ends this week.

Prediction: Wyld Stallions

Memphis Express (0-2) at Orlando Apollos (2-0), Saturday at 5pm PST

Okay, let’s be real here, the Apollos are by far the best team in AAF. Their quarterback Garrett Gilbert has thrown for 620 yards and four touchdown in two games, and was named the Offensive player of the week for Week Two.  The Defensive Player of the Week for the two weeks in the AAF come from the Apollos. They are balanced, and are already clicking on all cylinders.

Contrast that with the Memphis Express. They are averaging 9 points a game (reminder, they scored zero points the first week of the season), and their quarterback, Christian Hackenberg has thrown for 189 yards in two games, with no touchdowns and one interception. Hackenberg is set to start again this week. Soooooooooooooooooooooooo. Do the math.

The Express did boast the AAF’s first 100-yard rusher, Zac Stacey, who reached this plateau last week, so the Express are not totally inept on offense, I just feel against the Apollos defense, it may seem that way on Saturday.

Prediction: The Ole’ Ball Coach (in case you didn’t know, Steve Spurrier is the head coach of Orlando). Spoiler alert: he still wears visors.

Birmingham Iron (2-0) at Atlanta Legends (0-2), Sunday at 1pm PST

Holy shit, this is the third game between an undefeated team and a defeated team. HELLO! (sorry for that joke. Did I mention that I am cranky from my elimination diet?). Anyway, this game pits what is probably the worst team in the league, against probably the worst undefeated team. That being said I could see a place where both of these teams could put it all together in a week or two.

Birmingham has some players, but hasn’t been able to put it all together yet. For example, their quarterback, Luis Perez, has looked good, and apparently already has gotten a lot of looks from NFL teams. However, he has yet to throw a touchdown. Former University of Alabama running back Trent Richardson, has three rushing touchdowns, but is averaging only 50 rushing yards per game. So there is potential there, we just aren’t seeing it yet. That’s basically the same deal with the Atlanta Legends, but they just seem a few more weeks away.

Quarterback Matt Simms has looked good at times and bad at times, and they also are having a hard time getting their running game going. I feel like this game might be pretty ugly. Watch the Oscars Red Carpet after this game, to feel beautiful after.

Prediction: Birmingham wins in an ugly one.

San Antonio Commanders (1-1) at San Diego Fleet (1-1), Sunday at 5pm PST

Hey look, two one and one teams! We did it. We did it everyone. Cool. Good-bye. See ya!

Just kidding.

This is another rematch of the first week of the season, when the Commanders defeated the Fleet, 15-6 (reminder, no PATs, so these games have very silly scores) and produced probably the highlight of Week One, maybe the season (Check it out here). Well, last week the Commanders lost to the aforementioned best team in the league, and the Fleet pulls off a victory against the aforementioned worst team in the league, and the Fleet provided the highlight of Week Two, but definitely not the season (check that out here).

The Fleet have the league’s best rusher, and former Humboldt State Lumberjack (“big ups to the Cal State University System!”…is a sentence no one has uttered until now), Ja’Quan Gardner, who is 5-7, and a ton of fun to watch. He also rushed for 100 yards last week (after Zac Stacey), and scored two touchdowns. The Commanders however, have the best run defense in the league, and were leading against the best team in the league for a bulk of the game. They get solid quarterback play from Logan Woodside, have some good receivers, and may have found a pretty good running back in Kenneth Farrow.

This game is probably the game of the week, and were it not during the Oscars, I would definitely try to go to this one (I do plan on going to at least one Fleet game this season).

Predicition: I’ll be a Cali boy and a homer and say that the Fleet somehow win this one.

That’s it for this week. Check back with me on Monday to see how wrong I am, and please don’t bring up pizza, cake, sugar, bread, burritos, butter, because I can’t eat any of those things because of my elimination diet. Did I mention that I am on an elimination diet?

Long time, no talk. You good? Cool. Me too. I watched this new football league over the weekend. It’s called the Alliance of American Football, and it’s a new spring football league that is looking to buck the failed traditions of the United Football League, the XFL, the World League of American Football, the USFL, etc., and so on, and so forth. Now, I had intended to write about what I saw with this new league on Monday with a full detailing of what worked well (the pace, the lack of kick-offs, and some surprising quarterback play) and what didn’t (the app, the Memphis Express’ offense). However, I got violently ill on Sunday, and then had to take my daughter to the hospital for abdominal pain (turned out she just had to fart), so I am a little behind the times. So, instead of doing a week one review and recap of the new league on a Thursday, I am going to preview Week 2 games, which will include some details of Week 1. Cool? Cool.

Salt Lake Stallions (0-1) at Birmingham Iron (1-0), Saturday, February 16th, 11am 

Last week, the Birmingham Iron defeated the Memphis Express 26-0, all without Luis Perez throwing the ball into the end zone, so it’s tough to say if the Iron are that good, or were the Express that bad (The Express were pretty bad). I feel like it’s more the former, but I don’t want to fully say that the Iron are good yet, and this weekend will help with that. Birmingham does have a good defense. I mean, you can’t shut a team out at ANY level if you don’t have some talent, and quarterback Luis Perez, whose story leading up to this league is incredible, showed that he can play quarterback (again even though he didn’t throw a touchdown). So, I think Birmingham may be good, but I am not sure yet. Also, I was fairly ill watching the game as well, so who knows? Salt Lake will be a good test for Birmingham. Salt Lake, until their starting quarterback, Josh Woodrum, went down, was playing pretty well against the Arizona Hotshots (the leagues clear best team in Week One) in their 38-22 loss, and have some offensive tools in Matt Asiata. With Salt Lake, the question is are they a good team or are the Hotshots a great team?  So this game is basically boiling down to, which team is actually good or just a football shrug emoji.

Prediction: I closed my eyes and pointed at a team, and it came back Birmingham

Arizona Hotshots (1-0) at Memphis Express (0-1), Saturday, February 16th, 5pm

If you have read this far into this piece, than you know that Arizona scored a lot of points last week, and Memphis scored none. Let’s dive a little deeper. Arizona’s quarterback John Wolford threw for four touchdowns and was named the AAF Offensive player of the week, while Memphis’ quarterback was 10-23 for 87 years, no touchdowns (again, the team scored 0 points), and one interception. Having watched both of these teams play in their first games, again where one team scored 38 points, and the other team scored 0 points, look for the Arizona Hotshots to score a lot of points. Pay attention to the fact that not only did Memphis not score any points, but their defense also gave up 26 points the previous week. You’re welcome for the advanced analytics.

Prediction: Arizona scoring more points than Memphis

Orlando Apollos (1-0) at San Antonio Commanders (1-0), Sunday, February 17th, 1pm

Yay, two teams I haven’t talked about yet, and it’s a battle of unbeatens! (air horn sound, air horn sound, AIR HORN SOUND). Orlando went off on the Atlanta Legends to the tune of 40-6, and San Antonio beat the San Diego Fleet (stay tuned for a scorching Fleet vs Legends preview) 15-6. Orlando won big, and San Antonio won small, so how do these two teams match up? Not sure, I am comedian, who sometimes writes about alternative football leagues (btw, I am a HUGE fan of alternative football leagues). However, I can tell you what I saw from these two teams last week, and I saw one team that had no problem moving the ball all over the field, and even had some trick plays (please see what has already been called the “Orlando Special” by Apollos Head Coach Steve Spurrier, yes, that Steve Spurrier), and I saw another team, that moved the ball pretty well, but had a hard time getting the ball in the end-zone. Both teams had good quarterback play, Logan Woodside for San Antonio and Garrett Gilbert for Orlando, and the both have good defenses (read above about how they both held their opponents to just six points). This is probably the game of the week in the AAF. Maybe in all of sports. No, just the AAF.

Prediction: Spurrier wears a visor. Orlando wins a close one.

Atlanta Legends (0-1) at San Diego Fleet (0-1), Sunday, February 17th, 5pm

Okay, in the Sunday Night Football slot, we have two teams that only score 6 points each in their previous games. However, if you watched both games, and I did, because again, ill on Sunday. Also, side note, the games move very fast (around 2 and a half hours), so they are easy hangs. Anyway, if you watched both games, you saw that San Diego was very much in the game, they just didn’t even attempt to protect to the quarterback as former starting quarterback Mike Bercovici was sacked three times. He also threw two interceptions, and he also had a hard time picking up the blitz. (I am sure you saw this). These plays aside, the Fleet have a new quarterback, Philip Nelson, and a running back that I am a fan of, Ja’Quan Gardner. Now, the Atlanta Legends, looked like a team that put up six points, but was never really in the game (reminder, they lost by 34 points), and of the six point scoring Week One teams, I would say that they seem to have a long way to go, on offense and defense. They have some names in the backfield in Tarean Folston from Notre Dame and Denard Robinson from Michigan, but not a lot to show for it. San Diego has some players on defense, and this will probably be another long night for Atlanta. Or a long, two and a half hours.

Prediction: The PA system at SDCCU Stadium is gonna suck (because it does), but the Fleet power through it.

That’s it! Check back with me on Monday to see if I killed it!

So last week was an exercise in the early bird getting the worm, or biting the hand that feeds, I don’t know, I don’t do “analogies” (no idea why I air quoted that, I definitely meant analogies). To give you some context, I am about to move to New York for two months to shoot a show for Netflix (I can’t say much more than that), and so life has been busy with packing, getting our place ready for sub-leasers, blah, blah, humblebrag, humblebrag. Needless to say there was some ball dropping during that time, and yes, that is supposed to be a really bad pun in regards to basketball.

I was seriously about to write a post about how the Lakers need to seriously fire Byron Scott.  Then, they fired Byron Scott.  Then, I was going to write a post about Byron’s firing and give some suggestions as to what the new coach should do.  Then, they hire Luke Walton after I wrote more than enough for a full post. I was going to talk about how it’s not personal, and how Byron is, and will be a Laker for life.  I was going to talk about how I used to work Byron Scott basketball camps over the summers while I was at Cal Poly, and how every experience I had with man, painted him as a great leader. However, over all of that, I was going to say that he still deserved to be fired. I guess for fun’s sake, here is that post:

Nothing personal.  As I said, I used to work Byron’s camps.  I am a die-hard Lakers fan, and as I have already all stated (maybe I should just delete the first paragraph here, but comedy is repetition, so this will all probably come up again), and Byron will always hold a special place in all of our hearts for the Showtime days. Those days of Showtime are long, long gone, and Byron seemed to be the only person who still felt like kids who were born years after Showtime ended, would want to hear stories about it.

THE PEOPLE v. O.J. SIMPSON: AMERICAN CRIME STORY – Pictured: (l-r) Cuba Gooding, Jr. as O.J. Simpson. CR: FX

When I was twenty working Byron’s camp, hearing stories about running with Magic, and Worthy, and Rambis was all I wanted. Sitting with the man who recruited him to Arizona State tell us stories how OJ took Byron on his recruiting trip to USC (yeah, that OJ as in Orenthal J. Simpson the person, but not this picture, this picture is of Cuba Gooding Jr).   Now to a kid in his early 20’s…in 1996, this kind of story was  really cool. But telling those same stories to a twenty-year old in 2016 is like someone telling me stories about Gail Goodrich in the 90’s. I respect them, but do I really wanna hear them? Probably not.

Maybe, if you cast John Travolta as Gail Goodrich, I would wanna hear the hell out of that because Travolta’s Robert Shapiro is the best/worst performance by an actor in twenty years. Unless Ryan Murphy changes his plans for Season 2 of American Crime Story, twenty-year old Kenny would probably not want to hear about how things were back in the 60s, so why would we expect D’Angelo Russell and Julius Randle to just fall over themselves because they are being coached by a Lakers legend. They need to respect him, but not pine over him.

Which leads me to my next point, which is Byron’s offense was totally outdated. Before I continue, I am not an analytics guy, meaning specifically that I don’t know how to compute a lot of them, but I respect the data that they represent. Byron, very famously, does not respect analytics, and it showed on the court. Everything that the Lakers did this season was slow. A ton of one-on-one (there is a for sure an analytic that will show you the lack of ball movement in the Lakers offense), working deep into the shot-clock, leading to a usually contested shot. If the year was 2010, then what I just described would called “the NBA”, but those times are long gone.

Offenses now are predicated on movement and spacing, you know, the stuff that the last Lakers coach who everyone hated preached and coached. We all thought he was crazy when he wanted to bring Pau Gasol off the bench, or have Pau sit out at the three point line to shoot threes.

For the record, that was really stupid, and he really messed up with Pau, but he had the right idea, in that, unless you have a back to the back post player like Al Jefferson or Hassan Whiteside, you really shouldn’t be playing someone deep in the post for over 30 minutes a game, much as Byron did for the ENTIRE YEAR! Look, we all love Roy Hibbert on “Parks and Recreation” (and I am not just saying that because I was in four episodes of the show, but any chance I can get a shameless plug for a really great show, that also gives me residuals if you go and stream it, I’m gonna go for it),

…but the fact that Byron never at any point played Larry Nance at center, and Julius Randle at power forward, show a real lack of creativity. I mean, once the season was lost, he should have really unleashed the kids on the NBA. Nance starting at center would have probably generated the same stats that THE Roy Hibbert was giving (please crunch the numbers analytics person, and Nance’s athleticism would have added more than Hibbert’s length.  See below.

Okay, day one of the Big West Tournament is in the books and I went 2 for 2.  I am a .500 prognosticator.  But, as we say in show business, “The show must go on”! (I have literally never heard anyone say this). Here are my picks for Round Two of the Big West Men’s Basketball Tournament.

Game #1: #1 Hawaii vs #4 UCSB

UCSB has won nine games in a row, and Hawaii is just really good, so this has the potential to be a really great game. I think Hawaii is the better team, but this is the right time of the year for a team to be hot, and UCSB has some momentum. Their mascots are really cool (Gauchos vs. Rainbow Warriors), so I can’t give an advantage there. So, let’s move on to notable alumni. One of the biggest alumni of UCSB is the great actor Michael Douglas. He has been a myriad of great films, and was excellent recently in “Ant-Man”. For Hawaii, we have the man who created the man, Barack Obama, Sr. To be fair, Daddy Obama wasn’t always there for Barack, in fact, he was not there at all, but he is still responsible for giving us our current President, so I think that gives a little bit of an edge

Winner: Hawaii

Game #2: #2 UC Irvine vs. #3 Long Beach State

Justin Bibbins has tangibly improved his game by leaps and bounds over the past two years for Long Beach State. By Owen Main

This also looks to be a good game, as the classic LA vs. OC rivalry is ignited. This means a lot to me because I was raised in Orange County, but now I live in LA County. I am kind of repping LA until I die now, so for me it is hard to go against Strong Beach, especially since their alumni game is mad strong (Steve Martin, Steven Spielberg). However, UC Irvine, and it’s notable alumni, John Lovitz, in the end is just going to be too much for them. It pains me to say it because I left the OC fifteen years ago, and have never looked back.  There’s a lot of pain there.  And don’t get me started about the Irvine Spectrum!!!!!

Winner: UC Irvine.

Yeah, that’s the ticket…

That’s it for today.  Stay tuned for tomorrow’s championship pick!

Hi,

So the Big West Tournament starts in about four hours, and I am hoping to give my daily picks as to who is going to win each game, and I have a hunch, each game is going to be chosen for some insane reason, because I am a crazy person (which I have said several times in my posts).  Okay, no time like the present, so let’s get to some picks.

The longest-tenured Big West head coach, Bob Williams looks to avoid an upset at the hands of his former team. By Owen Main

Game #1: #4 U.C. Santa Barbara vs. #5 U.C. Davis

The Bob Williams Bowl!  Yes, Bob Williams used to coach at UC Davis, and led them to the (Division II) National Championship in 1998 as you can read about here A guy I played with in high school actually started on that team.  That means nothing to what I am currently writing, just felt like saying it.

This was like twenty years ago now, and I am sure there is almost no bad blood between the two teams, so this one is kind of a toss-up.  That being said I have to pick someone, so I am going to say the Aggies get revenge on the man who created them a la Kylo Ren killing Han Solo (this is no longer a spoiler when the film makes billions of dollars).

pick: UC Davis

Game #2: #1 Hawaii vs. #8 Cal State Fullerton

This doesn’t need to take long.

pick: Hawaii

Game #3: #2 UC Irvine vs. #7 Cal Poly

Now, as a “journalist” (that just sounds weird when talking about myself), I need to be unbiased here, and call this game the way I see it, but as a Cal Poly alumnus, it’s really hard to go against the Mustangs.  In reality, UC Irvine is the pick here.  They have a legit argument for making the tournament if they don’t win the conference tournament, and they will be playing post-season basketball regardless.  They have NBA talent on their team, and the Mustangs really don’t have anyone who can match up with their big three.

pick: Cal Poly

Game #4: #3 Long Beach State vs. UC Riverside

The nightcap, which features probably the greatest mascot match up, which is saying a lot based on the other match ups, but I mean 49ers vs. Higlanders (seriously why have I not written a post about the Highlander mascot and the Highlander movies.  That’s coming). That being said, Pound State (LBS) would be the top team in the conference if UC Irvine or Hawaii didn’t exist, so…

pick: Strong Beach

Those are my picks for today!  Check back tomorrow for the next round.  Now as my homegirl Heidi Klum says: Let’s start the show!

The is year is 1995.  I am a senior in high school (please don’t do the math to figure out how old I am), graduation is coming up, and soon, I will be a freshman at Cal Poly. At this point in my life, I had grown up a Los Angeles Rams fan. My family were season ticket holders. We used to wait around after games hoping to run into players. My favorite player was current USC Athletic Director Pat Hayden (and if you know how much I hate USC, you know how insane that last statement was), and one of my fondest birthdays was on my eighth birthday when Eric Dickerson broke O.J. Simpson’s (remember he played football) single season rushing record.  So, you can image what I felt when on a cold (this was Orange County, so not cold.  Let’s say brisk), no brisk, March night when I learned that Georgia Frontiere decided to move my Los Angeles Rams to St. Louis.

There she is. If you look closely enough, that Georgia Frontiere smile is actually a mosaic of thousands of sad Orange County Rams fans. By Jamal Farmer, via Wikimedia Commons

I was more than a little heartbroken.  This was my team.  These were my guys.  Jerome Bettis. The Battering Ram.  The Rams had just finally benched Jim Everett.  I mean things were looking up for us, and then, it was gone.  For those of us who have had a team leave you, it’s just like a lover leaving you for someone else.  You are all alone, yet you look over and you see your former lover smiling and having a good time.

Why do they get to have all the fun?   Why do they get to run their trucks through a fake finish line, as if the Rams were in a race to get the hell out of Southern California?  Well, I guess I could become a Raiders fan?  Wait, what, the Raiders are moving too?  Well, I wasn’t really a Raiders fan anyway.  So what did I do?

I was too hurt to still support the Rams in another city, so I thought well, San Diego is only an hour away, so I guess I’ll become a Chargers fan. I have to say it was hard to get with the Chargers at first, especially in 1997, when they had Jim Everett on their roster, and God, if that didn’t bring up some scars. I tried to follow my new team, but like a person in a rebound relationship, it was hard to be all-in on the Lightning Bolt. I mean, it was exciting in some ways, but some of my heart had gone to St. Louis.

And then came the greatest show on turf, the 1999 Super Bowl.  It was the dating equivalent of your girlfriend having sex with her new boyfriend in front of billions of people.  That was hard to watch. Add in a trip to St. Louis a few years later, when I told fans that I used to be an LA Rams Season ticket holder, and was met with only chants of, “they’re our team now”, I decided it was time to close the book on the Rams, and just be a Chargers fan. There were a lot of great seasons as a Chargers fan. We had Flutie, Brees, Rivers, Tomlinson, Gates — Hall of Fame players. There was a string of playoff runs, and the only bump in the road was the fact that I couldn’t stand Norv Turner as a coach. But I was happy as a Chargers fan. I even went to watch them practice at the StubHub Center in Carson. (side note: watching an NFL team practice is CRAZY BORING).  And this became my favorite sports themed song.

Then, about a year or so ago it started.  Stan Kroenke bought some land in Inglewood, and there were talks about the Rams coming home to LA, and the Chargers moving from San Diego to Los Angeles (the Raiders were also involved in this, but as previously stated, I am not a Raiders fan).

A wave of mixed emotions came over me. My former lover, and my current lover both vying for me love? I couldn’t take it. I checked out. I didn’t really follow the NFL too closely (not even the Bolts), because I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Seriously. I did this. I quit paying attention. Guys, I have told you in the past, I am a total weirdo, and in this case a somewhat shellshocked one. I didn’t want to invest too much time in the NFL because I had been hurt once, and I did not want to get hurt again.

And then it happened. Last week, it happened. The Rams are coming home!

Leading into the meetings with the league, I didn’t really think it would bring up some emotions in me when the Rams came back, but it has. I have such great memories of going to Rams games as a kid. You know that token memory of walking into a ballpark for your first baseball game, that they use in about two to three car commercials each year? That was the Rams for me. Maybe because they played less games than a baseball team did, but every time we went to a Rams game it was special, and all of those good feelings came back right away. All my favorite players were Rams, Jackie Slater, Pat Hayden, Kevin Greene, Eric Dickerson, and Pete

“mother f***ing” Holohan.  Not many people latch- on to Pete Holohan when it comes to famous LA Rams, but to me Pete Holohan is pivotal to my Rams experience growing up because having season tickets, we sat in front of a man who was probably the President of the Pete Holohan fan club, and every down on offense, this man would yell, “Give the ball to Holohan!” Every down. So it’s hard for me to not think of the Rams without thinking of tight end Pete Holohan.

So thinking about Holohan, and Dickerson, and those great times going to Angels Stadium with my Dad and brothers, I have to say, I am excited about the Rams coming back to LA. My lover has come home, and while she may have had some good times with her last boyfriend, I know that she really loved it with me the best. Now, with the Chargers maybe coming too, I may have both of my teams in one place. It’s like your old-girlfriend comes home and is cool with your new girlfriend, and you get to date both of them. A dream scenario. However, there is something special to having my childhood team, that I literally grew up with (they left when I was 18, which is legally an adult). I am even thinking about putting a $100 deposit down for season tickets, so I can carry on the tradition from my family. I’m excited for the Rams to be back. You should be too.

Let’s RAM IT!

One of the perks of writing for this site, is that I get to attend games, as like a member of the media. Silly, I know, and last night I was able to go to the Cal Poly/USC basketball game at the Galen Center in downtown Los Angeles (I live in LA, so this was not a hard thing for me to do). However, last night was December 17th, and for the rest of the world, that meant the premiere of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” I have my tickets for Saturday, so I was fine, but I figure if I am going to go to this game on the same date as the premiere of the most anticipated movie of the year, well, I should probably write my post about the game with some sort of “Star Wars” angle right? So, many thanks to Mike Still, the artistic director of the Upright Citizen’s Brigade, Los Angeles (the theater where I have performed for the last six years), for giving me the idea to cover the game as Han Solo, so that is exactly what I am going to do. From here on out, I will be writing as the outlaw, Han Solo.

Hey, where the hell am I?  Chewy?  Chewy?  Where are you? Hmm. Dare I say it? Jabba? Come on Han. He died thirty years ago. Sorry, I’ll never forget all of that time in carbonite. Come on Han, you’ve woke up in stranger places. You can get through this. Okay, so it appears I am in some sort of arena. Oh no, the Rancor? Han, Luke killed the Rancor like 30 years ago. Right around the same Leia killed Jabba. I guess Leia’s right, I am getting old. Hope you’re happy General, I just said you’re right.

Oh wait, the lights are dimming.  Wait, that music.  I know that music.  But he’s dead too.  And yes, it’s been for about thirty years now.  Cram it with the jokes friend.  But what are these guys doing?  Whatever they’re up to, I am going to keep my blaster close.

I’ll say one thing, this guy Ridge Shipley, he just sounds like a guy who you would meet in Mos Eisley Cantina or piloting an X-wing next to Luke right? I like him. I have no idea what the hell is about to happen, but I like him. Okay, so five guys dressed in black with the words Cal Poly on their chests, and five guys dressed in white just came out with the name Trojan on their chest. I don’t know who I should be more worried about because the guys in black could be from the First Order, but the guys in white, could obviously be some sort of Stormtrooper. This may be some sort of two the death game being conducted by Imperial Forces. In fact, looking at one of the Trojan Stormtrooper arms, I honestly can’t tell if he is part snake or all human. Maybe a Slussi?  Seriously, what is the strange art on this man’s arms?

Anyway, so it appears this “game” has started, and from what I can tell the point is to put the ball in the round net, and the white team, specifically the snake-armed man, is doing a pretty well at that indeed.  But wait a minute, the game has stopped and now a voice comes can be heard, and a strange man begins to play some music while the First Order and the Stormtroopers talk to each other. Okay, this guy clearly is in charge. This guy has taken over for Jabba the Hut. He is ordering people to stand on their feet, to scream, to make some noise. He is a tyrant, begging his people to follow him, and it is clear this “game” is being played as some sort of entertainment for him.

I have been able to figure out that this twerp is named DJ Mal Ski. The guy just advertises it on his throne. Even Jabba wasn’t that full of himself, but this guy is clearly trying to one-up Jabba in a big way, so based on my relationship with Jabba, I gotta watch myself. Whoa, one of the stormtroopers took the ball and threw it into the net really hard.  Hadn’t seen that before. Oh, it happened again.  And again. It seems like the First Order guys need to do a better job of keeping the ball out of the net. Who cares though because this is all just big show for Master Mal Ski. Oh, here comes some dancers. I seem to recall Jabba just having one dancer with long tentacles coming out of her head. Some people try to say that it happened differently, as if someone changed how the original memory of the Jabba’s lair, but I was stuck in carbonite. That, unfortunately for me, did not change. Anyway, this Mal Ski is not satisfied with one dancer. He rolls out like twenty.  I can only assume they are slaves being made to dance.

I gotta do something about this guy. Oh no! He’s now putting people on the screen and making them kiss! These people are all his slaves, and he makes them do his bidding. You know, when I was younger, I wouldn’t have taken sides here. Well, I would have I guess. Whoever would have paid me the best. Not anymore though. You don’t fight against the Imperial Forces and don’t come out with a stronger sense of good and evil, and Mr. Mal Ski, it’s time to take you out. Wait, what’s that noise. All of the men playing are watching as one of the men throw the ball towards the net, and I hear something.

He’s got Chewy!  That giant furball gets on my nerves, but he’s my furball. Okay, this guy is going down. Oh, a horn just sounded, and everyone is leaving. There are guards preventing me onto the floor. It seems that the stormtroopers have more numbers than the First Order, whatever that means, but the crowd is keeping me away from Mal Ski. He’s gone. Gotta find Chewy. Gotta go.

If you are a team playing Cal State Northridge, that means a trip to the fabled Matadome, and prior to 2013, that meant a trip to one of the smallest Division 1 gymnasiums in America. We’re talking a capacity of 1,600 people (for the record, my high school seats 2,500). However, in 2013, the Matadome went through a major renovation, including a state of the art court design. Like remember when a mascot was just contained in the center circle of a basketball court?

image from gomatadors.com

Not in the Matadome my friends. You can’t contain the Matador on the new floor, and get this, in 2013, Bleacher Report named the Matadome # 2 in their post titled, “Ranking the 20 Best Court Designs in College Basketball“. That put the Matadome’s court design over such famed courts as Duke’s Cameron Indoor Stadium, UCLA’s Pauley Pavilion, and Cal State Bakersfield’s Icardo Center (for the record, a Division II powerhouse, that recently moved up to DI, but I mean, just take a look at how awesome their court is by clicking on this hyperlink). The number one court design, according to Bleacher Report? Fellow Big West Member Long Beach State (peep the sick palm tree game, and yes I just said that).

So two years ago, CSUN was riding high, and their court design game was on serious fleek (and yes, I just said that). However, just one year later, the Matadors and the Matadome found themselves off the Bleacher Report Top Design list. They went from second best to not even invited to the big dance (literally and figuratively). I like to think that CSUN, won’t stand for this, and I think I have a pretty good idea as to how to get that court design swag back.  Cue the music:

That’s the Matadome circa 1984. 

You may or may not know this, but the Matadome is not just the home of the Matadors, but it is also the home of the 1984 All Valley Karate Tournament, which of course was won by one, Daniel LaRusso. That’s right, the Matadome is where the karate tournament at the end of the Karate Kid (and the tournament at the end of Karate Kid III, but I mean, come on, that movie sucks) took place. It’s not very often that a truly iconic, Academy Award nominated film (what’s that?  You forgot that Pat Morita was nominated for Best Supporting Actor for his portrayal of Mr. Miyagi, because he was!), was shot at your home gym, and I feel like to not take advantage of that, is a missed opportunity Cal State Northridge. Don’t worry CSUN, I have come up with a solution, that I think will solve all of your problems.

So here is what I am proposing: change the court design of the Matadome to reflect the 1984 All Valley Karate Tournament from Karate Kid. Boom. You’re welcome CSUN. Do you smell that?  That’s the smell of being the number one ranked court design in college sports. Not to mention the most feared place to play in all of the NCAA. I mean, think about it. A kid who nobody believes in goes on to defeat a karate powerhouse that literally wears a Cobra on their backs. Pretty sure I would be scared to play basketball and volleyball against any team on that court. Again, you’re welcome. Now, I know what you’re saying: Kenny, based on this post and your last one, you are still totally insane.  Well, let’s take a look at some of the mock-ups I have made.

First, feast your eye buckets on this:

As you can see, this is awesome.  It has the center ring where Daniel fights Johnny, it properly commemorates the All Valley Karate Championship, and it is in CSUN red and black.  However, this is just one option.  Wanna see more ties to the movie?

Here you get all of the same awesomesauce from the previous one, but now you get the addition of the Daniel getting ready to pop Johnny in the face, which wins everything obviously.  There is no team in the nation that could walk into CSUN and not feel like they were about to be put into a body bag (you’re welcome).  But, I’m not done.  Look at this crazy one.

I’m great right?  This one takes advantage of the original poster for The Karate Kid.  Try to get a shot off with at least one of these people staring at you.  Also, I would like to talk more about Ralph Macchio’s face, and how it seems like he’s thinking, “what the f*ck is this old man going to do to me?”, but that’s for another time.  And just for fun here’s one of Daniel Larusso staring at Will Smith’s character from Concussion.

I’m killing it, I know.  So in conclusion: I’m awesome. And CSUN, if getting back to the top of the court design game is important to you, just reply to this post below.

Please note: licensing all of these images from The Karate Kid is probably going to cost you a lot of money, but take it from me, a middle class comedian, that’s money well spent.