“You guys, this one’s different, I can feel it,” I say to my friends as they stare at me skeptically. “I really think this could be THE ONE,” I say with a glean in my eye.

Every time it starts the same; hopeful my luck is turning around. I won’t get obsessed. I won’t lose myself. I’m grounded this time, I tell myself. I won’t let it take over — I can’t let it take over, not like I’ve done before. I won’t neglect my friend. I won’t cry in public. I’ll play it cool this time – I mean, I am a grown adult, this should not be hard. I spend my nights awake with excitement, only to fall asleep and dream of the future, praying that this time things will end just as I’ve longed for since I was a little girl.

This is going to be THE YEAR. I just know it. By KennethHan (Own work), via Wikimedia Commons

But then, just like all the other times, it happens. The ebbs and flows, the ups and downs slowly start to turn me. If we just did this, it’d be right – or maybe that. Strategy, we need strategy…no we need heart and passion, that’s what’s missing…or is chemistry?

“Why? WHY is this happening again?” I beg. “This was supposed to be my chance at real happiness,” I cry.

I start lying to my friends, telling them I am doing better than I am. I make excuses, start casting blame. It gets ugly, really ugly. I drink more than I should and cry to strangers. It’s an unhealthy vicious cycle.

And then tides turn, things change for the better. Excitement fills my heart, the spring in my step returns and I am simply giddy everywhere I go. “Nothing can change this feeling,” I think. We were made for this.

It gets bad again. And this time it’s worse. I pour my heart out to new friends, knowing the old ones are tired of this constant battle. We fail miserably and I am left in shambles wondering what we did wrong as I finally accept defeat. “This was supposed to be my chance at true happiness,” I wail, “this one was supposed to end in a ring…”

I still believe though. I won’t give up. I know someday the perfect kind of chemistry, heart and passion will meet and my wildest dreams will come true.

But seriously, guys, I think this is it. I think this is the year my Dodgers will finally win the World Series again.