Black Friday: Wild Tooth Brush Wars & Coming Carnage…Cyber Monday

You can mark me down on this: I will begin stocking my Y2K bomb shelter with peanut butter, toilet paper, coffee and most importantly a tooth brush, on November 1st of every year, far before carnivorous crowds & zombie apocalyptic soccer moms run the aisles of Target drugged on cranberry sauce and tryptophan.

It’s material anarchy, a disintegration of our great society succumbed with paranoia, and Polly Pocket is to blame. Her make believe world in a woman’s compact blush-mirror is a vortex sucking souls into a plastic world, a world known as Black Friday.

Much like Arnie’s world…

All I wanted was a tooth brush!? A simple .99 cent tooth brush because the bristles on mine resembled Kei$ha hungover.

Had I known I would be forced to weave cart- traffic like a rat zig zagging in-and-through a labyrinth I’d opted for bad breath. Decided it best to hole up and eat turkey sandwiches. Play it safe and sit still, staring at ESPN until my eyes felt like molasses.

As of Monday, another battle ensues. Cyber bullies and pornographic fairies come out to play, their minions rallying the world around 90% off of 90% itemized bin sales.

Out whip our fourth, fifth and sixth credit cards, while our buyer’s- credit swivels down the drain. And though we lose our homes and our jobs, we continue to buy buy buy, seek, seek, seek, all the way to bankruptcy court.

According to multiple sources Black Friday sales are up 20%.

The expectation then is a whopping increase come Cyber Monday, a day our fingertips can click click click without moving any other part of our bodies.

As if it wasn’t difficult enough?

First we battled the world and now, without further adieu, a legion of Internet aliens.

It’s an unwinnable battle really. For the few hoping to tighten their financial belts, ignoring Black Friday is one thing, but ignoring the cyber-juggernaut is an entirely different difficulty.

Our simpleton fights against the holiday-ten are over, our battles with Richard Simmons commercials and the guilt of Jenny Craig in the rear view mirror. Toys that never broke: soccer balls, Jax and a game of Uno, are relics of an archaic world now.

We’re waging war on behalf of future generations and their children’s children. We’re stockpiling dusty Y2K storehouses with the bare essentials: beer, beef, barbecue coal and toilet paper.

On a side note, the NBA lockout is nearing an end.

NBA and NBPA are deciding it best to get in on some of this here action. Cyber Trolls are frolicking in LeBron James and Kobe Bryant jerseys while David Stern ring leads the parade.

A sixty-six game schedule is set to ensue starting on Christmas day. A triple header including a rematch between the Miami Heat and Dallas Mavericks will headline the event.

Ill be drinking spiked eggnog under my Christmas tree talking to Santa Claus about finances, wondering where and when the miniature kingdom of mine red lined into shambles and my life began to resemble everyone else’s.

On a side note, I succesfully got a new tooth brush. Though I was frightened by the following: a woman wearing a Mrs. Claus outfit walking in reindeer slippers, triplet boys crying in an octave arrangement as beautiful as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and a barbie in a noose of dental floss, I purchased the only tooth brush left, a buzzing light up tinker bell.