So in my first week in picking games for the new spring football league, the Alliance of American Football, I picked all of the games correctly (4-0). Then in the second week, I picked all of the games incorrectly (0-4). What does that mean? It most likely means that I am a comedian who happens to like sports, rather than a sports writer who happens to be funny. Either way, I am definitely going into this week’s picks with a new level of “WTF do I really know about any of this stuff” and I am starting to question who I am as artist. Thank god for my daily dose of CBD oil to help make the world a cope-able (not sure if this is a word) place.

LET”S MAKE SOME PICKS!

Orlando Apollos (4-0) at Birmingham Iron (3-1), Saturday at 11am PST

Orlando is good. Birmingham is pretty good, but the main difference between the two of them is that in four games, the Apollos have actually thrown the ball into the end-zone where as the Iron have not. Birmingham has a very good defense, and has a good running game, however, their quarterback, Luis Perez, has yet to throw a touchdown, and that is just not going to cut it against the Apollos.

The Apollos quarterback, Garrett Gilbert, has thrown for six touchdowns, and 0 interceptions. Now, the Apollos didn’t look as indestructible last week versus Salt Lake, however, that game was played in Arendelle, so it’s tough to say that they really have taken a step down. Reminder that Garrett Gilbert has yet to throw an interception, in an upstart football league where all of the quarterbacks were on NFL scout teams. Not trying to be mean, but just trying to point out, that everyone has thrown an interception, except Gilbert. I feel like the Apollos are going to remain undefeated.

Prediction: The Apollos will throw a touchdown, and the telecast will cut to Steve Spurrier (reminder he coaches the Apollos) for some of his “hilarious” in game conversations.

Salt Lake Stallions (1-3) at San Diego Fleet (2-2), Saturday at 5pm PST

This one should be a good game, and is a bit of a tough one to pick. I have been saying all season that Salt Lake is the best team with a losing record. That have had some tough breaks here in there, such as playing a football game in the movie “30 Days of Night” (deep cut, I know), but they are decent team with a solid running game. San Diego was on the precipice of being a really good team, but then their quarterback, Phillip Nelson, broke his clavicle in the first half last week against the Memphis Express, and is out for 4-6 weeks.

The 3rd string quarterback, Alex Ross, came in and threw a touchdown on his second pass, and then turned the ball over a bunch. Needless to say, Alex Ross is not starting this week. However, Mike Bercovici, the Fleet starter in Week One, who was benched because he threw three interceptions, and gave the world this clip . So, seeing him back in the line-up doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence. Combine that with the fact that the Fleet offensive line wasn’t able to get the running game going last weekend, I don’t have a lot of confidence in my (yeah, I am saying “my” because I live in LA and San Diego is two hours away, and there is no LA team in this league, so San Diego is my team) San Diego Fleet.

Prediction: San Diego wins (I am a homer).

Memphis Express (1-3) at Atlanta Legends (1-3), Sunday at 1pm PST

Both of these teams got their first wins last week! Both from their former back-up quarterbacks, both of whom played against each other in the SEC, and both are some of the bigger names in the league. For Memphis, their new quarterback Zach Mettenberger (from LSU) threw for a touchdown and ran for a touchdown last weekend, leading the Express to their first win over my (please see reasons above for calling San Diego “my”) San Diego Fleet. For the Legengs, their new quarterback, Aaron Murray, came into the game against the Arizona Hotshots last weekend after the previous starting quarterback Matt Simms went out for injury, and played well. 

He was 20-33 for 254 yards, and no touchdowns (the Luis Perez special), but he more than passed the eye test as the Legends finally looked like a professional football team on offense. They had a much better time of running the football with all of their backs (Denard Robinson specifically had a little pop to his step). Memphis played well again last week, and got the win after Phillip Nelson went down for the Fleet. Both teams are trending up, but like Thursday night’s “Top Chef”, someone has to lose (I love you Michelle!).

Prediction: ATL

San Antonio Commanders (2-2) at Arizona Hotshots (2-2), Sunday at 5pm PST

The battle of the two win teams, or is it the battle of the two loss teams. Depends on how full or empty that glass is my friends (are we friends? We are? Cool. Will you watch my dog for me?). If you just look at how these teams looked last week, San Antonio is the team to beat here. Arizona, which lost to the previously winless Atlanta Legends, looked really off last week. John Wolford threw no touchdown passes, and had one pick, and the normally stout Hotshots defense was run all over by the Atlanta Legends. The Hotshots started off slow last week, as they have the past two weeks, and they were never really able to recover. Last week, the Commanders gave the Birmingham Iron their first loss of the year, with a win 12-11. I didn’t touch on this Birmingham/San Antonio game too much, because, I’m sorry, it was pretty ugly game.

The thing about the AAF is that since there is no PAT, meaning you have to go for two after every touchdown and it makes for some weird scores. That being said, as you know (killer intro to a sentence, Kenny), Birmingham doesn’t throw touchdowns, and San Antonio, also didn’t throw a touchdown either, so their 12-11 battle last week, was kind of a tough watch. Spotlight though on Kenneth (great name) Farrow who ran for 142 yards last week, and looks like a player. This game comes down to who can actually THROW the ball in the end zone, and I can’t say for certain who that is, but I will try below.

Prediction: San Antonio.

Hey guys,

It’s the second week of Alliance of American Football picks, in the fourth week of the AAF (if you need to know why I am two weeks behind, please see last week’s post). I don’t want to toot my own horn, but please allow me to toot my own horn. I went 4-0 in my AAF picks last week, and I watched every game this past weekend, even the one game that was on something called B/R Live, which was shown for free on the pay streaming network for the Bleacher Report.

Yep, on a beautiful Saturday afternoon, I sat on the couch on my house with my lovely wife. Our daughter was playing at a friend’s house and we were home alone, and I thought, you know what would be a cool thing to do right now, let me airplay this new football league game from my phone to our TV so I can watch the Arizona Hotshots vs. the Salt Lake Stallions. This woman agreed to marry me, on her own! Anyway, I am really great, and I make great picks, and it was all my super brain, and has nothing to do with luck, and I am awesome, and rock on.

Here are this week’s picks:

San Diego Fleet (2-1) at Memphis Express (0-3), Saturday at 1pm PST

This game will be on the aforementioned B/R Live, so looking forward to a pretty hot Saturday afternoon in my house, and it won’t just be the action on the field in Memphis (I understand if you stop reading after this last sentence). After three weeks, what do we know about these two teams? They both have really good defenses, as the Fleet are second in the league in sacks , and first in the league in hurries.

You want to know who is second in the league in hurries? The Express. AND all of these stats come from a league where you are only allowed to have five people on the line, so there isn’t a ton of blitzing. So, we got two good defenses, how are the offense. Well, for two and a half games the Express were conservatively speaking, f*#%ing terrible. I mean they have Zac Stacey, who is the first 100 yard rusher in the league, but they also had Christian Hackenberg at quarterback, who was just really bad. In two and a half games, he only threw for 277 yards, no touchdowns, and 3 INTS. Well, they replaces Hackenberg with Zach Mettenberger (insert David Letterman “Oprah/Uma” joke here) in the second half of the Express’s game against Birmingham last week, and he went 9-12 for 120 yards and 2 TDs.

Sooooooo, he’s starting this week. San Diego’s offense looked great last week, putting up 25 points, Phillip Nelson looked much more stable in the pocket, and Ja’Quan Gardner tore off an 83 yard run for the longest rushing play in the three-week history of the league. I actually think B/R Live might be getting the best game of the week.

Prediction: I smell an upset, but I am a homer, and will say that the Fleet will win, but I don’t feel comfortable about it.

Orlando Apollos (3-0) at Salt Lake Stallions (1-2), Saturday at 5pm PST

Salt Lake got a win last week vs. Arizona and played pretty well. They have a legit stud  on defense with Karter Schult, who literally seems to everywhere on defense. I normally hate that analogy, but if you watch the Stallions play, you will hear his name at least 17 times, and it stands out because it sounds like the announcer is saying “Karter Shit”. Trust me, watch the game, and you will hear his name a lot. Orlando is still undefeated, and still probably the best team in the league, but fell back to Earth a little bit vs. Memphis last week, especially when the aforementioned Mettenberger came into the game in the second half.

Also, Orlando had some problems running the ball last week, and they are about to go up against the number one run defense in the league. HOWEVER, (capped and bolded for emphasis), the Stallions are second to last in passing defense, something that the Apollos do very well. I have to be honest, this game is a bit of toss up, as I have said in the past the Stallions are better than their record indicates, and Orlando seems to be coming back down to Earth from their great play in the first two weeks.

Prediction: I also smell an upset, as home teams tend to win in the AAF, so I am calling this the upset special (air horn sound, air horn sound, air horn sound) of the week, as the Stallions win at home.

San Antonio Commanders (1-2) at Birmingham Iron (3-0), Sunday at 1pm PST

Speaking of falling back to Earth, San Antonio looked good in their first game against San Diego (a win), a little less good in their second game against Orlando (a loss), and looked even worse in their third game against, once again, San Diego (a loss). The news doesn’t get much better for the Commanders as they are about to face the number one defense in the league in the Birmingham Iron. The Iron have only allowed two touchdowns all season (again, only three games), but still that is a defense that is aptly named (see name: Birmingham Iron). Now, let’s talk about Birmingham’s offense.

I’m not going to mince words, it’s not the easiest hang. Trent Richardson, (yes, that Trent Richardson) has six rushing touchdowns, but they are all short runs, and he only averages 2.5 yards per carry. So, you’re not getting a lot of big runs by the offense. Luis Perez, their quarterback, has looked good, averaging close to 200 yards passing a game. HOWEVER (capped and bolded for emphasis), he has yet to throw a touchdown pass. Don’t get me wrong, Birmingham is very good, but they aren’t the coolest hang on a Sunday afternoon, and I only say that because I see Birmingham winning this game easily.

Prediction: please see last sentence above.

Atlanta Legends (0-3) at Arizona Hotshots (2-1)

Sunday is not rolling out a hot slate of games that’s for sure. Atlanta is the worst team in the league. For sure. They lost another offensive coordinator (their third in one season), their quarterback, Matt Simms has look really bad (has thrown 6 INTs and 2 TDs), and they are getting almost nothing from the the running game. A

rizona is good, but they are still waiting to hear if their quarterback, John Wolford will be able to play this week. He went down in the loss to Salt Lake last week, and has been limited in practice this week, but let’s be real. Arizona is winning this game. Atlanta is really bad, and I don’t think I need to say any more than that, other than Atlanta should let Aaron Murray play. Simms is not getting the job done, and a lot of teams are finding success when they give their back-ups a chance (San Diego and Memphis specifically).

Prediction: Arizona Hotshots. Nuff said.

See you next week, when I am 8-0!

Hey folks,

Long time, well, sort-of. This is a third attempt for some Alliance of American Football coverage (I have been watching all of the games!). Week One, couldn’t get content in on time because I got violently ill (too much?) and because of said illness I am now on a doctor recommended Whole 30 elimination diet, and I am incredibly cranking now because of it, so be nice. Week Two, I wrote previews for all of the games, but had a hard time getting them up to the site before the games were played (we all have other lives that don’t entail blogging about a Spring Football league). Whatever, it’s all good, we’re here, it’s happening, hugs to everyone involved. So, welcome to all new weekly AAF content that is new to you, but has been happening in my life for two weeks. We’re doing it.

I will spare you recaps of everything that has happened in the league for the first two weeks because I am writing this at my desk at work, and my fingers are a little cold, and the thought of typing a giant recap, feels daunting (did I mention I am cranky because of my elimination diet?). Therefore, let’s just get to my picks, and I think you will see from my in-depth analysis that I have both watched the games, but I also can update you on the league, and prove how great I am. Don’t argue that with me. Did I mention I am cranky because of my elimination diet?

Here we go:

Arizona Hotshots (2-0) at Salt Lake Stallions (0-2), Saturday at 12pm PST

Okay, so you see that one team is undefeated, and then another that is defeated, and you probably think that this game is going to be a walk for the Hotshots, right? Possibly. Salt Lake does have two losses, but they were without their starting quarterback, Josh Woodrum, last week against the Birmingham Iron, a game they lost by the blazing score of 12-9 (note: you have to go for two for every extra point in the AAF, so you get some pretty bonkers scores).

The first week, Salt Lake lost to these same Arizona Hotshots in game that was close until the fourth quarter when Arizona pulled away. Woodrum is supposedly back for the Stallions, and it’s the home opener for them as well. They have lost two close games, and are kind of due. Arizona came down to Earth last week, after looking pretty dominant Week One, with their quarterback, John Wolford, throwing four touchdowns and being named the Week One AAF Offensive Player of the Week.

Last week against the Memphis Express, a team that scored all of 0 points in Week One, Arizona had a hard time moving the ball, and found themselves down 18-6 going into the fourth quarter. Two touchdowns later, they sneaked out a win, 20-18, and found themselves undefeated. I think that ends this week.

Prediction: Wyld Stallions

Memphis Express (0-2) at Orlando Apollos (2-0), Saturday at 5pm PST

Okay, let’s be real here, the Apollos are by far the best team in AAF. Their quarterback Garrett Gilbert has thrown for 620 yards and four touchdown in two games, and was named the Offensive player of the week for Week Two.  The Defensive Player of the Week for the two weeks in the AAF come from the Apollos. They are balanced, and are already clicking on all cylinders.

Contrast that with the Memphis Express. They are averaging 9 points a game (reminder, they scored zero points the first week of the season), and their quarterback, Christian Hackenberg has thrown for 189 yards in two games, with no touchdowns and one interception. Hackenberg is set to start again this week. Soooooooooooooooooooooooo. Do the math.

The Express did boast the AAF’s first 100-yard rusher, Zac Stacey, who reached this plateau last week, so the Express are not totally inept on offense, I just feel against the Apollos defense, it may seem that way on Saturday.

Prediction: The Ole’ Ball Coach (in case you didn’t know, Steve Spurrier is the head coach of Orlando). Spoiler alert: he still wears visors.

Birmingham Iron (2-0) at Atlanta Legends (0-2), Sunday at 1pm PST

Holy shit, this is the third game between an undefeated team and a defeated team. HELLO! (sorry for that joke. Did I mention that I am cranky from my elimination diet?). Anyway, this game pits what is probably the worst team in the league, against probably the worst undefeated team. That being said I could see a place where both of these teams could put it all together in a week or two.

Birmingham has some players, but hasn’t been able to put it all together yet. For example, their quarterback, Luis Perez, has looked good, and apparently already has gotten a lot of looks from NFL teams. However, he has yet to throw a touchdown. Former University of Alabama running back Trent Richardson, has three rushing touchdowns, but is averaging only 50 rushing yards per game. So there is potential there, we just aren’t seeing it yet. That’s basically the same deal with the Atlanta Legends, but they just seem a few more weeks away.

Quarterback Matt Simms has looked good at times and bad at times, and they also are having a hard time getting their running game going. I feel like this game might be pretty ugly. Watch the Oscars Red Carpet after this game, to feel beautiful after.

Prediction: Birmingham wins in an ugly one.

San Antonio Commanders (1-1) at San Diego Fleet (1-1), Sunday at 5pm PST

Hey look, two one and one teams! We did it. We did it everyone. Cool. Good-bye. See ya!

Just kidding.

This is another rematch of the first week of the season, when the Commanders defeated the Fleet, 15-6 (reminder, no PATs, so these games have very silly scores) and produced probably the highlight of Week One, maybe the season (Check it out here). Well, last week the Commanders lost to the aforementioned best team in the league, and the Fleet pulls off a victory against the aforementioned worst team in the league, and the Fleet provided the highlight of Week Two, but definitely not the season (check that out here).

The Fleet have the league’s best rusher, and former Humboldt State Lumberjack (“big ups to the Cal State University System!”…is a sentence no one has uttered until now), Ja’Quan Gardner, who is 5-7, and a ton of fun to watch. He also rushed for 100 yards last week (after Zac Stacey), and scored two touchdowns. The Commanders however, have the best run defense in the league, and were leading against the best team in the league for a bulk of the game. They get solid quarterback play from Logan Woodside, have some good receivers, and may have found a pretty good running back in Kenneth Farrow.

This game is probably the game of the week, and were it not during the Oscars, I would definitely try to go to this one (I do plan on going to at least one Fleet game this season).

Predicition: I’ll be a Cali boy and a homer and say that the Fleet somehow win this one.

That’s it for this week. Check back with me on Monday to see how wrong I am, and please don’t bring up pizza, cake, sugar, bread, burritos, butter, because I can’t eat any of those things because of my elimination diet. Did I mention that I am on an elimination diet?