Dreaming Up Al Bundy in a Tryptophan High; Turkey Day Predictions

In a matter of 23 hours and 23 minutes I’ll be numb-brained by an unstoppable force of tryptophan. But who’s counting?

I’m set for the sedation. I went to the gym. Worked off who-knows-how-many calories in order to levy the oncoming attack of turkey legs, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, candied yams, green beans and bacon, buttered broccoli, rolls, red wine, white wine, champagne, bourbon, a lonely beer (who’s watching?), piece(s) of pumpkin pie topped with hand whipped cream, piece(s) of pecan pie and a secretive second-portioned concoction of them all (use potatoes as the base, then begin swirling cranberry and multiple others into the sticky starch based mountain of divinity).

I’m ready for Uncle Joe’s half-naked intoxication and Aunt Sally’s sassy pursed lip persuasions about another of her hippy skippy selling points on a Himalayan weight loss pill. I’ll dodge, bob and weave the children’s chattering food fights and face Ace, the silent untalkative cousin’s, snarling pit. It will good to be an American. Not only can a man let it loose literally, by unbuckling the slim fitting belt from the skinny jeans or slacks, but he can burp, fart and buzz on a triple-headed machine of NFL football without looking over his shoulder in fear. Blessings and all, am I the only man/woman completely over the traditional turkey day battles starring the irrelevant Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboys?

I’m unsure whether or not the new triple-header can salvage the stupidity of watching Detroit (4-6) host the Houston Texans (9-1), and Dallas (5-5) host the Washington Redskins (4-6). The playoff implications here are as small as a flea. Dallas WILL NOT make the playoffs, continuing to disappoint, And Detroit? Detroit is an underachieving mess of young stars succumbed with a sophomore slump.The Washington Redskins are only exciting because of their super-frosh stud, RG 3, but even he, the last three weeks, has looked more human than superhuman, with multiple sub 200-yard passing efforts.

Tryptophan might keep Cowboys fans from attacking their televisions tomorrow. By AJ Guel (originally posted to Flickr as Over the Top) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

How much Tony Romo can a man take, before he throws his 44-inch HD 1080-p television off his second story balcony (that is a made up image, I recommend you don’t do that unless you need your extended warranty check to cover rent)? Give it up already! Tryptophan can’t save Romo from the obvious: He can’t win when it matters. And it sure as hell can’t reverse the hard reality that Detroit plays in a division with Da Bears, The Pack and an upstart Minnesota Vikings team. The Redskins and Cowbowys are two teams with similar fates: Playofflessness. While the Redskins play just to continue the evolution of their franchise face.

So while the rest of y’all will be pretending you’re excited over the historic turkey day battalions, I’ll be sleeping, shellacked with peanut shells. I’ll be about as proactive as Al Bundy taking a third and fourthportion from multiple silent Peg’s in a dream. And when I wake, I’ll watch Uncle Joe call his daughter names while playing a game of boxing on the Wii, and pretend I care: “Uncle Joe, lay off Suzy! I’ll challenge you after another go on the pecan pie. Suzy go to bed. Joe you’re my bitch.”

My predictions for the turkey day triple header:

The Houston Texans are clicking like no other team in football right now. Detroit has a struggling offensive line, which is exactly what J.J Watt and the fast-footed front line of the Texans devour. Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford has taken a large step backwards after his emergence last season, throwing just 12 touchdowns to 10 interceptions through ten games. The Texans will create two monumental turnovers, and Schaub and the offense will capitalize scoring ten points of those. Houston Texans 30, Detroit Lions 17.

The Dallas Cowboys’ speedy defensive lineman Demarcus Ware-led linebacking core, will rattle the spiraling RG 3 and his multi-dimensional attack. This game features two teams defensively underwhelming, but Romo, the man with a pro bowler’s intangible in games that do not matter, will outshine the more popular rookie. Romo vs. RG 3; Romo throws for 300 hundred on a poor Redskins secondary and Dallas wins. Dallas Cowboys 28, Washington Redskins 23.

In the “other” game, the biggest joke of the three, Tom Brady lines up against the Jets with no Gronk. But no Gronk means more Wes Welker, Aaron Hernandez, Brandon Lloyd and Danny Woodhead in the slot. The point is, the Pats are not struggling. Brady could line up a cohort of team cheerleaders, and I’d wager money of a Pats route over the mouthy New York Jets. The Jets giving Tim Tebow the ball, is the only news worth covering.  New England Patriots 30, New York Jets 13.