Save your tired anti-soccer take

Stop using takes from the Dark Ages to tell me about why you don’t like soccer. By Darjac (Scanned by Darjac) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

For the love of Ralph’s sandwiches, stop it.

Get out of here with your tired anti-soccer takes.

In 1994, the World Cup was held in the United States. At that time, I’m sure it was popular to bash soccer in this country. The narrative in these United States was the opposition of the uppity, elite fan who “got” soccer against the down to earth, more traditional sports fan who didn’t get it at all. That is still the narrative. It’s not altogether wrong. Things haven’t shifted 180 degrees. Our country isn’t soccer-crazy. I don’t regularly drive to LA to watch the Galaxy or to the Bay Area to watch the Earthquakes like I do the Dodgers or some of my “friends” do to watch the Giants. But to think that the narrative shouldn’t be different than it was 20 years ago is lazy and ignorant.

At least a few generations of American sports fans are now adults who played soccer growing up. Yes, even young Americans still like basketball, baseball and football better, but this more International generation also likes soccer. A lot.

The old soccer regime would feel the need to testify to the greatness of the sport. Other people’s inability to “get it” would feed their already-hefty superiority complex. For the same reason there is now an “uppity” stigma around someone driving a Prius or someone who is vegetarian there has been a stigma around soccer fans. The reason — soccer fans have been known to constantly try to foist their silly game onto everyone else.

The thing is, it’s not that way anymore.

In 2014, lots of media-types are trying to stay relevant by saying they still don’t like soccer. The difference is that I, as a soccer fan in this country, just don’t care. I don’t care whether you get it or not. I don’t care whether you think it’s cool. By bashing it, you just make yourself less relevant to people who like it, which is a growing subgroup of sports fans in the United States that doesn’t care about your tired takes.

Flopping

To paraphrase John Denver, flopping is as old as Vlade Divac, but younger than Michael Cooper. Most sports have some form of flopping and more officials to spot the difference. Has anyone watched successful basketball teams over the past two or three decades? Duke. LeBron. Shane Battier. Derek Fisher. LeBron. Manu. Vlade. LeBron.

Every sport has flopping on some level, including a lot of sports we like. Americans hate flopping, but manipulating the one official who is in charge of the largest surface area in sports is something that soccer fans can easily spot. To be fair, it really does hurt to get kicked in the shins, especially when you and your opponent are running as fast as these guys do. Lots of “falling” is flopping, but falling, sliding, etc… are often part of the deal when playing at the speeds these guys play at.

We all hate flopping. I’d even argue that it’s unAmerican. For an American sports fan to say that it’s a reason not to like the entire sport, though, is garbage.

Fans burning cities down

Aren’t there riots every time a city’s team wins a championship? Detroit burns itself to the ground (it seems) every time the Red Wings or Pistons win a title. Fans riot everywhere.

American soccer fans don’t really riot. They get excited, call themselves something tough like “American Outlaws,” and drink a lot. But they don’t really riot.

An MLS game, actually, has the perfect combination of excitement, fan exuberance, and safety. I’m saying this as someone who has been to multiple club games in the world’s most dangerous city. American fans should not judge the sport on how fans act in other countries. Instead, they should look at how it’s enjoyed here.

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There are a few good reasons not to like soccer. These are all valid points and if they turn you off about the sport, then that’s fine.

Pace of the game

As Matt Damon’s Loki put it in the movie Dogma, “Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.” For some fans, watching soccer is just slightly better than watching a cross country meet.

An entire soccer match can go without so much as a scoring opportunity for entire halves. A game can end in a 0-0 tie.

Let me give you a positive, though. Like an NCAA basketball game, a game RARELY lasts longer than a few hours, halftime included. The running clock so many people complain about is actually a really great thing in this regard. You can’t say that about baseball, football, or professional basketball.

Scoring

Soccer doesn’t have goals all the time. A 2-1 match would include more goals than a Barclays Premier League game has averaged in a long time. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to see slightly more than a goal every 45 minutes or so. If you’re an ADD American twenty-something with a need for not just constant stimulation but constant scoring, this just won’t cut it.

For me, there is as much going on in soccer as there is in lots of other sports we love here, even if it isn’t goals every minute or two.

Ties

Ties are a subset of the scoring argument. You’re right, ties are for communists. They are un-American and should be outlawed. I just can’t find a way to do it. Maybe it should be like hockey. Settle for a tie in the middle of a season, but in a knock-out round, maybe we should add more subs and keep on playing until someone scores.

Seeing guys play a soccer game with rolling subs in the 200th minute would be so freaking dramatic. Think of the Stanley Cup Finals in overtime. Then make the whole world care. Chew on that for a minute. I think it sounds pretty awesome.

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So, do what you want. Watch the World Cup or not. Feel however you want about soccer. Just please spare me the old, stale anti-soccer takes I’ve been hearing for the past 20-plus years. Soccer is, SLOWLY, getting more popular. It’s fun for me and millions of others to watch, and I don’t care whether you like it or not.