I needed to hide in my proverbial cave before entering back into the world of sports. The media’s recycled replay has stolen anything and everything fresh to talk about. For days I’ve thought about Super Bowl XLVII and come up with zilch. Nada.

I scratched on a lined sheet of paper a few ideas, but each fell flat.  Ray Lewis retiring was too obvious. Joe Flacco’s soon-be and well-earned mega contract was too recycled.  Jim Harbaugh’s over-conservatism on offense. Ah, now there’s a hard hitter, but it is too early to say if that’s really a problem yet.  And the next landing spot for Alex Smith is boring.

The media spinsters have stolen every crumb worth discussing from a football-related standpoint. ESPN is truly the evil empire. But Dan Patrick and his Fox Sports getaway aren’t void of such a name tag either.

When thinking back to what was ultimately a pretty damn good game between two brothers on opposing sidelines, I’m left dumbfounded at the obvious: the game seemed rigged. Yes, rigged—at least on some level it was.

When the lights went out it was a little too weird. Too cliche of a  story line. Like a classic horror spot on with the scene when the lights flicker and the down and out(the 49ers) are tested to their ultimate limit.

A league as pretentious as the celebrity driven NFL, in my opinion, is not far removed from making this sort of thing happen. Albeit it’s out-there to think so, sure. But absolutely impossible? I don’t think so.

Seventeen points were put up in a four minute stretch following the return of the lights, by a team that mustered only 6 in all of the first half. I timed that. It took me four minutes this morning to brush my teeth and tie my tie. By the time I put my shoes and socks on, it had gone from 4 minutes to 6, 7, maybe 8 or 9. In half the amount of time it took me to brush my teeth, tie my tie and put my shoes on, the 49ers offense magically unveiled 17 points on a defense playing out of their minds?

Give. Me. A. Break.

That was a storyline straight from the Goodell playbook. And it was well-timed. It was a strategic move attempting to draw back the league’s growing disenchanted fan base.  Super Bowl XLVII had the lowest rating in 7 years.

Yes, the lowest.

This means there is a chance for other popular leagues like Major League Baseball or the NBA to reclaim what once was a more equitable balance of American sports power.

Beyonce’s halftime show was… interesting. Maybe it should have had a rating on it though. By Beelover9481 (Beyoncé Knowles), via Wikimedia Commons

Inception, Leonardo Dicaprio, remember? Goodell needs a story to manipulate the masses, draw us back, make us live, eat and and pray the game of football, but it’s not working. The media has been muted on the issue. After all, they are more invested in the NFL’s success than anyone. We’re slowly, but surely, tiring of the league’s ridiculous rule changes and unlawful bounties.

And then there was Beyonce Z at halftime.  Oh God, her crotch grabs and tongue licks were enough to make a five year old dream about making love. And that’s just gross. I threw up in my mouth with each and every one of her ego-maniacal dance moves. I would have rather seen Meatloaf beat box half-naked in a pair of high heels. Her manifestation of what some people define to be music, was as bad if not worse than the infamous Janet Jackson nip-slip. Soft core porn has become a byproduct of an NFL clearly grasping at straws.

In 30 years, I believe, the NFL will cease to exist as we know it for a variety of reasons. It could be because of an alien invasion. Or simply people moving on. Some other steroid-hungry sport will come along and strike our fancy. Like Glass Eating. Ten wine glasses wins. Most blood determines league MVP.

Whether or not such a prediction is true, you can count on this. Tomorrow you will wake up, you will tune into ESPN and listen to whatever ESPN anchor spout the same nonchalant stupidity in a neverending diatribe of bafoonery. NFL, NFL, NFL. All NFL.

Turn the TV off. Have a conversation with yourself in the mirror. Discuss the implications of growing a beautiful beard (or not; or if you’re a lady, the implications of growing leg hair) and join James Harden in his ultimate quest.

There are a number of glorious beards in football too, after all.

With the Super Bowl right around the corner, the time of year has returned once again. This particular pocket on the calendar serves as the preparation point that will give way to the onslaught of sport for the year to come.

As we speak, New Orleans is being blitzed and invaded by 49ers fans and Ravens fans alike, not to mention the straight-up football fans and “party fans” that are piling in. It is Bourbon Street, after all.

Even the First Super Bowl Party gets a little loose! By White House (Pete Souza) / Maison Blanche (Pete Souza) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

We know the pageantry and performance of the big game won’t disappoint. The annual pinnacle of American sport never lets us down, and even if the scoreboard is lopsided, one of your friends at the party seems to always end up that way as well, making the whole Super Bowl party experience a let-down-free zone.

Pushing all the rif-raf to the peanut gallery, the 49ers open, and will most likely remain, favorites – and with good reason. Colin Kaepernick is a dynamic force that is currently surfing the wave that most young phenoms always seem to – “they don’t even know where they are right now.”

The combination of Colin Kaepernick riding the whitewash of momentum, coupled with his elite, dual-threat ability coming of age right before our eyes, makes the 49ers an extremely dangerous favorite. The 49ers could win by a slim margin or a big margin. This is something you can’t necessarily say about the Ravens.

If the Ravens get over, it will be a ‘Rice, Rice, Flacco to Boldin or Pitta 3rd down conversion’ type of game. The deep bomb to Torrey Smith is something I don’t really see the defense of the 49ers allowing, given the prowlace their two all-pro safeties.  At the same time, I would also be foolish if I didn’t consider the magic a retiring Ray Lewis and his defense seem to have going.  Underdogs can still overachieve.

Analysis of the game aside, the unbridled fun of the Super Bowl also serves as a recognizable signaling of the year to come in all other arenas of sport.

The NBA all-star game is on the horizon, and unfortunately for most fans, the taste of purple and gold is impossible to remove from the palate of NBA water-cooler talk everywhere.

Dwight Howard throw-downs have been few and far between so far this season. By Fido (Flickr: Bucks @ Lakers) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

I know everyone is exhausted with the revolving Laker discussion, but the reason the Lakers continue to hoard the headlines is a reason you rarely equate with this franchise – their ineptitude.

Give me an “A” or give me an “F,” right?  Unfortunately, “F” sells in a huge way, and sadly, sells even more than “A” does – but you can’t blame the Lakers for all the attention they are recieving.  Another main reason the Lakers are hogging print and air waves is because nothing around the rest of the NBA is making waves.

The Heat are dominating in their defense of the title. The Celtics, Knicks and Rose-less Bulls are still nipping at their heels in the East.  Great.

In the West, the Thunder are still running, the Spurs are still lurking, and the Clippers and Grizzlies are still up-and-coming. Great.

Yawn.  Alright!  I’m awake!

Moving on — what or who else looms near this time of year? You got it – everyone’s favorite worst guy ever, the infamous “bracket guy.”

Unrightfully so, no one pays an emphatic amount of attention to the national NCAA basketball scene until March rolls around, but when it does, get ready to throw down your bracket and your bucks.

Cinderellas will be the overlying theme as they always are, and golden chariots will turn back into pumpkins in the end like they always do – but the overall saga of March never comes up short.  One.  Shining.  Moment.  I’m welling up just thinking about it.  No I’m not.

Seamheads are beyond hyped this time of year as well. Everyone is a potential pennant winner in spring training, and pitchers and catchers report in less than a month.

With the Giants coming off another World Series Championship and the Dodgers having huge expectations, the rivalry only looks to get juicier. By andyrusch (http://www.flickr.com/photos/asrusch/5748267516/) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Money, money and more money has morphed a perpetual big-market underachiever into the new West coast version of the New York Yankees. Trading for the gigantic contracts of super stars has given way to monumental stadium renovations for the Dodgers, which will create more revenue, and eventually give way to taking on even more gigantic contracts of super stars.

Moneyball may get you to the dance, but big money allows you to go home with the prom queen in the end. The Dodgers have officially taken on the new face of baseball’s dark side, and will become even more of a polarizing team than they were before.

Spoiler alert: yes, the rebels eventually win in Star Wars, but in baseball the empire always eventually wins in bulk. Blue thinkers finally realizing gold once again could be right around the corner.

From progression to regression – congratulations on almost killing your sport one more time, Gary Bettman. Hockey is back, but now the few casual fans that existed before care even less.

Kings captain Dustin Brown hoists the cup, a trophy of a dying sport. By Eric Chan from Hollywood, United States (DSC00815 Uploaded by JoeJohnson2) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

On a positive note, the Kings raising the banner was beyond due.  It was an awesome run last season and a championship that was well deserved for Kingdom loyalists — but the realistic future of hockey has essentially become a dimming light, one that now can barely even be seen by a telescope in the night sky of the American sporting realm.

It wouldn’t be an all discussion without mentioning eagles and earplugs, two associations about to start the longest campaigns of any professional leagues in the United States. 10 months?  Forget campaigns, try marathons.

There are niches in our sports melting pot that absolutely live for the PGA and Nascar circuits. And strangely enough, they couldn’t be more polar opposites.  Its the quietest sport and the loudest sport.  Its the high-class perception and the low-class perception.  And given the differences, it’s kind of ironic how the hardcore fans of both circuits would probably never get along, yet the 19th hole and the 5th wheel effectively serve the same purpose.  I guess that’s one thing everyone can agree on – booze.

So there it is and here it comes – the great American sporting landscape.  And with all of the anticipation and excitement on the horizon, there’s honestly nothing I can see that could put damper on the cornucopia of sport all of us fans are in line for, could there be?

April 15th. Yea, the smartass went and did it.