I needed to hide in my proverbial cave before entering back into the world of sports. The media’s recycled replay has stolen anything and everything fresh to talk about. For days I’ve thought about Super Bowl XLVII and come up with zilch. Nada.

I scratched on a lined sheet of paper a few ideas, but each fell flat.  Ray Lewis retiring was too obvious. Joe Flacco’s soon-be and well-earned mega contract was too recycled.  Jim Harbaugh’s over-conservatism on offense. Ah, now there’s a hard hitter, but it is too early to say if that’s really a problem yet.  And the next landing spot for Alex Smith is boring.

The media spinsters have stolen every crumb worth discussing from a football-related standpoint. ESPN is truly the evil empire. But Dan Patrick and his Fox Sports getaway aren’t void of such a name tag either.

When thinking back to what was ultimately a pretty damn good game between two brothers on opposing sidelines, I’m left dumbfounded at the obvious: the game seemed rigged. Yes, rigged—at least on some level it was.

When the lights went out it was a little too weird. Too cliche of a  story line. Like a classic horror spot on with the scene when the lights flicker and the down and out(the 49ers) are tested to their ultimate limit.

A league as pretentious as the celebrity driven NFL, in my opinion, is not far removed from making this sort of thing happen. Albeit it’s out-there to think so, sure. But absolutely impossible? I don’t think so.

Seventeen points were put up in a four minute stretch following the return of the lights, by a team that mustered only 6 in all of the first half. I timed that. It took me four minutes this morning to brush my teeth and tie my tie. By the time I put my shoes and socks on, it had gone from 4 minutes to 6, 7, maybe 8 or 9. In half the amount of time it took me to brush my teeth, tie my tie and put my shoes on, the 49ers offense magically unveiled 17 points on a defense playing out of their minds?

Give. Me. A. Break.

That was a storyline straight from the Goodell playbook. And it was well-timed. It was a strategic move attempting to draw back the league’s growing disenchanted fan base.  Super Bowl XLVII had the lowest rating in 7 years.

Yes, the lowest.

This means there is a chance for other popular leagues like Major League Baseball or the NBA to reclaim what once was a more equitable balance of American sports power.

Beyonce’s halftime show was… interesting. Maybe it should have had a rating on it though. By Beelover9481 (Beyoncé Knowles), via Wikimedia Commons

Inception, Leonardo Dicaprio, remember? Goodell needs a story to manipulate the masses, draw us back, make us live, eat and and pray the game of football, but it’s not working. The media has been muted on the issue. After all, they are more invested in the NFL’s success than anyone. We’re slowly, but surely, tiring of the league’s ridiculous rule changes and unlawful bounties.

And then there was Beyonce Z at halftime.  Oh God, her crotch grabs and tongue licks were enough to make a five year old dream about making love. And that’s just gross. I threw up in my mouth with each and every one of her ego-maniacal dance moves. I would have rather seen Meatloaf beat box half-naked in a pair of high heels. Her manifestation of what some people define to be music, was as bad if not worse than the infamous Janet Jackson nip-slip. Soft core porn has become a byproduct of an NFL clearly grasping at straws.

In 30 years, I believe, the NFL will cease to exist as we know it for a variety of reasons. It could be because of an alien invasion. Or simply people moving on. Some other steroid-hungry sport will come along and strike our fancy. Like Glass Eating. Ten wine glasses wins. Most blood determines league MVP.

Whether or not such a prediction is true, you can count on this. Tomorrow you will wake up, you will tune into ESPN and listen to whatever ESPN anchor spout the same nonchalant stupidity in a neverending diatribe of bafoonery. NFL, NFL, NFL. All NFL.

Turn the TV off. Have a conversation with yourself in the mirror. Discuss the implications of growing a beautiful beard (or not; or if you’re a lady, the implications of growing leg hair) and join James Harden in his ultimate quest.

There are a number of glorious beards in football too, after all.

Deer antler spray and gay-bashing are unfortunately the driving headlines leading into Super Bowl XLVII. This is the circus that the Super Bowl “media” ring has become.

Real reporters and analysts asking real questions have been pushed aside in favor of paparazzi and comedians – but I guess this is what Super Bowl media week has always been about – sideshow over substance.

Hearsay about what is realistically the equivalent of popping a few extra vitamins and opinions on social issues have officially engulfed the anticipation of the game itself.  The insignificant and unbelonging are being overvalued.  The news shouldn’t be what football players think about swirling gossip and civil rights.

The “media” sideshow around the Super Bowl has unfortunately taken center stage once again. By National Football League [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Maybe its just me. I suppose I’m only interested in the X’s and O’s, but I assume there are actually people out there that care about all the undercard nonsense? It wouldn’t be driving the media if that weren’t the case? I guess I’ll never come around to the TMZ factor – but then again, I never hope to.

Move to the matchup on the field. What immediately comes to mind when breaking it down?

The difference-maker is undoubtedly Colin Kaepernick.  What he has the ability to do is something no one else that will be taking the field is capable of:  turning something into nothing the majority of his team’s offensive snaps.

And why do I dance around the “something into nothing” factor with the caveat of “the majority of offensive snaps?”  Ray Rice doesn’t take the snap from Matt Birk.  Rice can absolutely put the same type of pressure on a defense that Kaepernick can, but the ball just has to travel further to find him.

Touches, touches, touches.  Rice needs more than 25 throughout the course of the game for the Ravens to be on schedule. Throughout the end of the regular season and into the playoffs, newly-appointed offensive coordinator Jim Caldwell, formerly the head coach of the Indianapolis Colts, has kept Baltimore on-time.

49ers defensive coordinator Vic Fangio is a creative mind that will be more than ready for what Baltimore has already shown they are capable of doing.  The key for Caldwell will be comprising twists and tweaks that haven’t been documented on tape.

Look for the Ravens to have gadgets ready on 1st-and-10 to 2nd-and-ahead situations in the middle of the field.  Don’t rule out a Rice-Flacco-Smith flea-flicker if the opportunity presents itself in an advantageous down and distance with room to work.

Ray Rice will have to be an explosive factor for the Ravens to emerge victorious. By U.S. Air Force photo by Staff Sgt. Benjamin Hughes/Released [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Two brothers, two sons of a coach, going head to head for the game’s ultimate prize?  Some deeply conceived surprise is bound to unravel.

Now place your mind on the opening kick.

If San Francisco comes out and gets a lead with Kaepernick getting loose, the burden for Baltimore will quickly find its way to Joe Flacco.  Advantage: 49ers.

If Baltimore can control the clock in the 1st half, the groundwork will be laid and the rock will end up lying with Ray Rice in the end instead of Flacco.  Advantage: Ravens.

The other side of the coin?  “God is absolutely AMAZIN’!”

There isn’t a doubt Ray Lewis will have his defense pumped up for one last final pass through the gauntlet.  The motivating factor behind a single galvanizing player being able to inspire an entire team in the ultimate fashion can’t be understated.

That being said, what unfolds on the turf still ends up rising over words in the locker room.  Talent and opportunity fundamentally prevails more than motivational speeches – but I think it goes beyond that to a certain extent.

History and experience on big stages has a better shot of winning out in a game like this.  Top to bottom, the Ravens simply have been there more than the 49ers have.  And when you factor in a complete wildcard like Kaepernick, the potential for him to dominate doesn’t completely cancel out the potential for him to fold under the pressure.  His naivete could superceed his obliviousness in the end.

He might not have known where he was in all of his 10 NFL starts that fill his resume, but I think he will eventually find out where he actually is come crunchtime.  Asking what is essentially a rookie quarterback to finish on the grandest of main-event stages is as “all or nothing” of a bet as it gets.

I’m not really much for predictions.

Ravens 27 – 49ers 23.  Whoops.  Slip of the keyboard.

Alex Smith did the right thing by telling doctors he was concussed, but it could cost him a lot of money in the offseason. By BrokenSphere (Own work) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Then Alex Smith got hit. In the head. Again.

He “turned himself in” to team doctors as the NFL has been encouraging its players to do. He hasn’t seen the field since.

Instead, 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh turned to second-year quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick has a rifle arm — noticeably better (on TV even) than 90 percent of NFL starting quarterbacks. He’s also really fast. I’ll get to that in a minute.

Harbaugh keeping Kaepernick in the lineup instead of bringing back Smith (once he was cleared) was easy to criticize. The list of quarterbacks who win or even get to the Super Bowl in their first season as a starter is really short. No matter what Harbaugh thought, I didn’t think San Francisco stood a chance with a second-year player and first-time starter. I thought Harbaugh’s lack of patience with Alex Smith was going to hurt the team’s chances and maybe help to even prematurely close their championship window. After amazing improvement at Stanford and now with the 49ers, I thought Harbaugh had finally made a decision that was going to blow up in his face. Benching a guy who was playing like Smith couldn’t have been the right move, could it?

On Saturday, Kaepernick diced-up the Packers like a slap-chop. Green Bay had no answer for the read option or Kaepernick’s ability to find open receivers down field and get the ball to their hands on a rope. When the second-year player from Nevada ran for his second touchdown that put the 49ers up 31-24 in the third quarter, a lead they would not relinquish, I though, “My God! He’s Michael Vick with a bigger body and more accurate throwing arm.”

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWRyj5cHIQA

I stand by my assessment, and I want to say I’m sorry. Apologies, Jim Harbaugh. Apparently you saw him in practice for a year and a half and knew what you were doing. I shouldn’t have second-guessed you. The 49ers’ offense looked as dynamic and exciting as any I’ve seen recently. If the NFC Championship game was at Candlestick, I’d predict your team as the clear-cut favorites. As it stands I’ll probably pick them to win the game on the road anyway — unless I think too hard about Ben Roethlisberger.

In Roethlisberger’s first year as a starter (2004), the Steelers went 13-0 under Big Ben in the regular season. Roethlisberger was a revelation. His team earned a first-round bye and won their divisional playoff game before losing the AFC Championship to New England, who won the Super Bowl that year. Kaepernick has done a Roethlisberger-like job so far — a performance good enough to win me over on his coach’s decision no matter what happens next week.

Kaepernick’s divisional win was definitely one for the record-books, putting him up alongside rookies like Roethlisberger. To win a conference championship game on the road after only 9 NFL starts, though, would be nothing short of legendary.

There is a black line slicing right through the front of Jim Harbaugh’s cranium on my TV. What does it mean? What symbolic power does the black faded line possess?

Can Alex Smith still lead the 49ers to the promised land or is it time to move on? By John Martinez Pavliga (originally posted to Flickr as IMG_7505) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

I’m ghetto like that.

But grills, plastic furniture and silver bullets aside, I’m possessed by the image of a focused, well-formed Jim Harbaugh split in two. It has to mean something.

The Niners are gelling. With a record of 7-2-1 they are dominating the NFC West. They are so good, their back up quarterback (blessed with so many outlandishly-gifted offensive weapons) sliced and diced Da Bears defense to the tune of 10.3 yards a play in the first half of a 32-7 Monday Night blowout. And their offense isn’t half as good as their league-leading defense, which allows a paltry 13.4 points.

But sometimes when things are going this well, there are issues on the horizon. Issues that might explain the humorous coach’s two-sided face. Like what to do with Alex Smith.

It’s not that Smith has been Pro-Bowl worthy, or that he is the clear-cut leader of a team which was 6-2-1 with him as the starter. It’s that Smith has been the cookie-cutter team quarterback, taking pay cuts, while playing fluidly efficient in Harbaugh’s system. Through nine games the eight year veteran is having the best season of his career, boasting a 104.1 quarterback rating to go along with thirteen touchdown to five interceptions. He may not be a game changer, but he’s a great game controller. And that should not be taken lightly.

This, after last year’s run to the NFC championship game, was finally Smith’s team. It was a year when Harbaugh would let-loose the reigns and allow the twenty-eight year old underachiever room to operate and grow into his own, outside the sterile conservatism of a run-first, Aker-legged offense.  But when Harbaugh has attempted to let him loose he’s failed, throwing 3 interceptions to 0 touchdowns in a blowout loss to the champion Giants on October 14th. So the word on the street is that a quarterback change is in the near future.

The athletic, fire-throwing, Colin Kaepernick was accurate, mobile, and brought a sense of passion to the position on Monday night. Not to mention, he got Vernon Davis involved to the tune of six receptions and a touchdown. The star tight end had caught just nine balls his previous four games.

Davis’s exuberant man crush after the win in favor of Kaepernick was clear.  A resonance I’m sure sent shock waves in and through the entire team.

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=lf6lwqBwuSY

While a black line splits through Jim Harbaugh’s heart, so it does to mine. We all know the way to a man’s heart is through food, television and beer. And while I may have two of the three locked up, I’m certain to need the third in order to complete the holy triumphant. Olivier will definitely not be the answer this go around.  I’m thinking Westinghouse. I’m thinking Harbaugh is tempted to try out a new device, and if all things fail, he can always go back to the original.

One in thirteen is a percentage of 7.7%. That’s a god damn disaster if you ask me.

One in every thirteen years is like getting laid momentarily before being asked to STOP. You madly reel up the fly, waddle home, flip up a defeat of bluing balls, hit the head, shower the left of the toilet seat, and then lightly rest the hammer with a false sense of pride.

Once in the last thirteen years the 49ers have shown promise, and a prostituting set of red and gold arise with a childish banter? With biceps made of molded Play dough? Puny stiffy’s the size of a Chihuahua’s?

Just ask Alex Smith about the Swiss cheese sea of Niner’ nation. Who, over a tumultuous career in the bay, was blamed by every side-cocked-hat-sporting teen and fat bellied, overworked office copier from San Jose to Sacramento for a disastrous ownership, fickle fan base and cohort of condemned know-it-all coaches and offensive coordinators.

But after aptly delivering in last weekend’s win over the Saints with two beautifully well-timed and strong throws, Smith is celebrated by Niner’ Nation, as if each and every one of them “knew it all along.”

Despite the one blaring factoid in relation to Smith’s erratic play — that he played for six offensive coordinators and three coaches in six years — the lack of sport education from most of San Franciscans was and is the reason they missed that  point of immense gravity.

But magically, here comes Jim Harbaugh.

After his signing last January an inoculation spread among lukewarm fans like a microorganism. It was called idiocy; Idiociticosis, a protective coating endorsed by the franchise to diminish criticism and critique.

And now, just one week shy from a game against the red hot New York Giants, a team similar to the 2007 Super Bowl team but built with a nastier set of freakish receivers, the same super-duper “I got 49 problems but the Pack aint’ one” concoction of clowns are idiotically brushing aside the Giants because of a mediocre mid-season win AT HOME against them? Yes, stupidly.

Idiotic point one: Never take lightly a team this sizzling with a 4th quarter closer like Eli Manning. Hindsight isn’t 20/20, it’s blind.

Idiotic point two: Never ever be so stupid to demean an organization, the Packers, who are 13-1 against you the last fifteen years with cheap one-line replays.

Then we get into last week’s parlay against the New Orleans Saints, who just 5-3 on the road and historically weak on grass outdoors, blew it big-time with six — yes SIX — turnovers in a rumpled 36-32 loss at the hands of the 49ers.

Wait, hold on. Before I even think about the “glory” of defeating a team centered on the great Drew Brees, let me get one thing seriously straight, did I say SIX turnovers?

Six turnovers and the 49ers hadn’t finished the job in the 2nd quarter? They flailed like a fish out of water, looked like children, green and lucky, scooted with their pants on fire, and escaped the burning building.

Ugly.

Let’s begin with the micromanagement of Jim “Face like I have an angry Hemorrhoid” Harbaugh, whose force-fed slow and methodical run straight up the middle on a 3rd and 3 approach to offense is blander than a saltine cracker. Whose shackles around a blooming offense with a heavy handed dictator’s force, is shrinking the 9ers offensive testosterone. Despite the offensive weaponry of dynamic athletes like Vernon Davis, Mike Crabtree, Frank Gore, and the strong armed Alex Smith, Harbaugh’s incessantly fallen in love with kicker, David Akers, and stunted any, if any at all, offensive relevance with a drum hum one dimensional front that will not work for long.

No matter what many speculate, mostly, a Super Bowl team must manage to push the opposition on both sides of the ball.

The 49ers have some of this in their defense, the same reason the Packers this year are left wading in last year’s rotted glory with a defense made of powder puffers.

But a game-winning drive to knock off a team with six turnovers is not glorious, it’s lucky, like swinging a bat with a blindfold and hitting a grand slam.

For some of you out there, being the Troy Glaus “powerhouse” of football franchises is enough. But for me, I’d rather riddle to the roof a complex infrastructure of dominance like a Matt Kemp or Albert Pujols.

Never pick an apple early off the tree. It’s green and overly tart, taste like a lemon with a bitter skin. The 49ers are seasons away from being considered a dominate competitor.

So let it rest. Let you team be.

Revel with the understanding that the Giants have been here before and your team hasn’t, that the Packers will be there next year with an upgraded defense, the Patriots with Tom Brady, the Steelers a healthy Big Ben, Saints with a bone to pick, improved Ravens offense and the Texans a year more mature.

The 49ers are like a rusted old 1956 Chevy pickup with no tires, windows, or steering wheel.  Yes they have the best linebacker in football in P-Will, a blossoming superstar receiver in Mike Crabtree,  a top three tight end in Vernon Davis, and when healthy, which don’t put your money on, dude would get hurt walking in the grocery store, top three running back in Frank Gore. BUT THEY DON’T HAVE A QUARTERBACK! And unless they can resurrect Trent Dilfer, the only non-quarterback recently to win one, then it sure as hell is not happening with Alex Smith, David Carr, or Troy Smith. All three have compiled a career record of 38-78 at the starting quarter back position. Which makes me wonder…how much of a difference will Jim Harbaugh make in comparison to the hard-nosed Singletary?

To be fair, Singletary did not do that bad of a job. Honestly he was the man who took Vernon Davis from dud to stud, and brought back an attitude of hard-nosed play the 49ers have not seen since the mid-90’s.  His 18-22 mark is an over-achievement for an organization with about as much direction as Latrell Sprewell’s spastic dribbling. A team that has been through more offensive coordinators than my wife has haircuts in the last ten years. He did this with no quarterback,  and an inconsistent defense that lacks mainly at the corner position. A serious position, considering most yards accrue through the air.

It is fair to say, when going to an organization like the 49ers, the majority of coaches will fail. It doesn’t matter your intent nor your expertise, because the reality is that unless you have the components to work the car, then the car isn’t going to start.  Frank Gore’s health? Starting Quarterback? Mike Crabtree’s drive? Cornerback? And the list continues to mount within a depressive off-season for a team that finished 6-10.  As the great Freddie Mercury so elegantly put, “another one bites the dust.” Give it two, maybe three, years and reality would say Harbaugh will be filing for unemployment.

-Luke Johnson