That is not a typo, and I am sure you are now hyperventilating. Someone call the paramedics!

In fact, that number is so outrageous, you probably think you are reading an article written by Jerry Springer. And maybe Jerry is to blame. Springer and the baby-face of Zac Efron have gotten to the Lakers heads. Add in some saucy Justin Beiber, and the half-naked, Megan Fox, and the Lakers have gone down in the flames of Hollyweird.

Weird, is the perfect word.

With the champs down 3-0 to a hungry Mavericks team, one would expect the survival mechanism to kick in. These are the Los Angeles Lakers, two time defending champs, deeper than anyone in the league, with a nest of proven title warriors. But instead, the fans have been abandoned with the pretty, bop haircut of Drew Barrymore, and are left to fend off the snakes of reality–too old; Kobe not the same; Pau soft; Bynum’s glass knees; No heart; Defensively poor; Fisher needs to fish elsewhere.

Weird, weirdness, weirder, weirdest, weirdizzle.

And while I’m on the topic, Barrymore is a perfect example. One of her first films, Firestarter, an alt-classic with a cultish’ following, features the young Barrymore blazing through American streets with an ability to start fires. She doesn’t know why she does it, accept that she gets enormously pissed off, and bad things happen to really good people.

So get out the gasoline, and start this here barbecue, because a massive roast is about’ to ensue.

Kobe IS FAR passed his prime. It was obvious in today’s game, that the fifteen years on  his thin, lengthy frame, have worn his once spry knees to ancient nubs. He came out red hot, as to be expected, shooting 6-8 in the 1st quarter. But 2-12 for the remainder, with little lift or drive, beckons the question..has his window of dominance closed?

Bynum, a guy getting paid fourteen million dollars on knees of a sixty year old’s, has reasons to smile. He is the most overrated big man in the league, with an ego the size of Texas.

I vote trade his ass to the South Dakota Greg Oden’s.

Pau is shaken by a recent breakup. Wait, a BREAKUP! Can we now consider Vanessa Bryant the new Yoko?

Fisher is now officially crowned with clownsmanship. I am positive Phil had him out there as comic relief, as everytime he threw Terry, Barrea, or Kidd to the ground, he still had it in him to somehow argue the foul call.

The problem with Artest is he is now Sir’ Ronald Artest, and no longer is going by his thug name Ron Ron “Stab a Juggler Vein.”

I think the basketball God hates Steve Blake because he no longer wears a birca.

LO is also the nickname of a former star on the Teeny Bop MTV series The Hills. And we wonder why Lamar is not a star….?

Kloe Kardashian is the 2nd woman in world history to experience immaculate conception. This occured after Luke Walton used the force during a game of Star Wars.

Walton prefers the name Yoda. Kobe prefers to call him Chewy.

Bring Mark”Mad Dog” Madsen” back, and before every game have the guy dance in a tassle embroidered thong.

Maybe this will turn Jeanie Buss on. Either that, or Phil needs to enhance his libido with viagra. Dude is so impartial, he makes a mute begger look like Chatty Kathy.

Flames.

Like Dante’s hell burning up the gloried, the Heat is on, literally.

And Barrymore, who never learns how to gauge her violent skill, is burning down the house (no pun intended).

In today’s cotton candy world, both hollywood and sports stars are interchangable. The incestuous relationship between the two has tainted the NBA’s mid-classic, one filled with amazing memories of the leagues true stars battling it out for supremacy and the right to call themselves not only stars but superstars.

Which according to Andy Stevensfrom fansmanship.com, is the reason the “boring” though best power forward in hoops Kevin Love, nearly missed out.  20 and 10 for Love is like tying his shoes. He’s the first player to go for 30 and 30 (that is not a typo) in 28 years. And yet had it not been for the blessing of Yao’s injury prone career; curse rather if you are talking to the Rockets front office, K-Love would of better known as a christian radio station.  The guy is so methodical in his approach toward the game that he rebounds without jumping. Why? He is smarter than any other forward in hoops, and knows that 80% of the time the ball will carom to the opposite side in which it was shot from. Not only has this approach made him the best rebounder in basketball (15.5 per), but wisely conserves his energy and his knees, which in the end increases his longevity.

“BUT HE IS NOT FLASHY OR PRETTY ENOUGH!” Pretty? Since when do NBA stars have to be pretty or hollywood made? And since when did Paris Hilton have a say in things anyways?

Unfortunately a player like Love is too Beethoven. His ability to out-think individuals is boring, like watching Bobby Fischer dominate a 70- something Russian man at a game of chess. Where are the Jay-Z’s? T.I’s? Lil Weezy’s? Why listen to the abrupt pause and finishes of a Beethoven, when we can stimulate our cultures sub-par brain with cheep beats and kindergarten hooks?

Which is exactly the reason our pop culture is to blame for everything; we are insightfully deaf and dumb. Like Dumbo we sail with our ears instead of slicing skies with intellectual jet-planes. We’re more intrigued when candy chewing L.O.blows a kiss to Khloe Kardashian than we are when Love records another twenty rebound night on an over-hyped big, i.e. Andrew Bynum.

“But Andrew, your dimples remind us of an innocent school boy.” Really pop world?

Love is the better version of our eras Kevin McHale, a guy who won three titles in the 80’s with the Celtics, on a team of forgettable- boring- athletes.  McHale and the Celtics were self-less back country farm boys who graced sports with less one dimensional athleticism, than they did a team oriented intellectualism.

Instead we get Lamar Odom because his swag aloofness is adorable. Or Yao, because he’s the face of an entire nation (which by the way is ridiculous, if this is the case, vote in Eduardo Najera.) Next thing you know, Lil Bow Wow, who currently plays ball at USC, will be the first college athlete voted into a professional mid-classic.

In the end, who gives? It is only the game of some-stars. Kobe? Of course. LeBron, Wade, Durant? Without a doubt deserve it. Let them steal the show, literally, percolate desire from fans with about as much intelligence as Sarah Palin’s economic plan. When the game ends, K- Love will go back to shutting up every critic on the planet. You can count on that.

–Luke Johnson