So last week was an exercise in the early bird getting the worm, or biting the hand that feeds, I don’t know, I don’t do “analogies” (no idea why I air quoted that, I definitely meant analogies). To give you some context, I am about to move to New York for two months to shoot a show for Netflix (I can’t say much more than that), and so life has been busy with packing, getting our place ready for sub-leasers, blah, blah, humblebrag, humblebrag. Needless to say there was some ball dropping during that time, and yes, that is supposed to be a really bad pun in regards to basketball.

I was seriously about to write a post about how the Lakers need to seriously fire Byron Scott.  Then, they fired Byron Scott.  Then, I was going to write a post about Byron’s firing and give some suggestions as to what the new coach should do.  Then, they hire Luke Walton after I wrote more than enough for a full post. I was going to talk about how it’s not personal, and how Byron is, and will be a Laker for life.  I was going to talk about how I used to work Byron Scott basketball camps over the summers while I was at Cal Poly, and how every experience I had with man, painted him as a great leader. However, over all of that, I was going to say that he still deserved to be fired. I guess for fun’s sake, here is that post:

Nothing personal.  As I said, I used to work Byron’s camps.  I am a die-hard Lakers fan, and as I have already all stated (maybe I should just delete the first paragraph here, but comedy is repetition, so this will all probably come up again), and Byron will always hold a special place in all of our hearts for the Showtime days. Those days of Showtime are long, long gone, and Byron seemed to be the only person who still felt like kids who were born years after Showtime ended, would want to hear stories about it.

THE PEOPLE v. O.J. SIMPSON: AMERICAN CRIME STORY – Pictured: (l-r) Cuba Gooding, Jr. as O.J. Simpson. CR: FX

When I was twenty working Byron’s camp, hearing stories about running with Magic, and Worthy, and Rambis was all I wanted. Sitting with the man who recruited him to Arizona State tell us stories how OJ took Byron on his recruiting trip to USC (yeah, that OJ as in Orenthal J. Simpson the person, but not this picture, this picture is of Cuba Gooding Jr).   Now to a kid in his early 20’s…in 1996, this kind of story was  really cool. But telling those same stories to a twenty-year old in 2016 is like someone telling me stories about Gail Goodrich in the 90’s. I respect them, but do I really wanna hear them? Probably not.

Maybe, if you cast John Travolta as Gail Goodrich, I would wanna hear the hell out of that because Travolta’s Robert Shapiro is the best/worst performance by an actor in twenty years. Unless Ryan Murphy changes his plans for Season 2 of American Crime Story, twenty-year old Kenny would probably not want to hear about how things were back in the 60s, so why would we expect D’Angelo Russell and Julius Randle to just fall over themselves because they are being coached by a Lakers legend. They need to respect him, but not pine over him.

Which leads me to my next point, which is Byron’s offense was totally outdated. Before I continue, I am not an analytics guy, meaning specifically that I don’t know how to compute a lot of them, but I respect the data that they represent. Byron, very famously, does not respect analytics, and it showed on the court. Everything that the Lakers did this season was slow. A ton of one-on-one (there is a for sure an analytic that will show you the lack of ball movement in the Lakers offense), working deep into the shot-clock, leading to a usually contested shot. If the year was 2010, then what I just described would called “the NBA”, but those times are long gone.

Offenses now are predicated on movement and spacing, you know, the stuff that the last Lakers coach who everyone hated preached and coached. We all thought he was crazy when he wanted to bring Pau Gasol off the bench, or have Pau sit out at the three point line to shoot threes.

For the record, that was really stupid, and he really messed up with Pau, but he had the right idea, in that, unless you have a back to the back post player like Al Jefferson or Hassan Whiteside, you really shouldn’t be playing someone deep in the post for over 30 minutes a game, much as Byron did for the ENTIRE YEAR! Look, we all love Roy Hibbert on “Parks and Recreation” (and I am not just saying that because I was in four episodes of the show, but any chance I can get a shameless plug for a really great show, that also gives me residuals if you go and stream it, I’m gonna go for it),

…but the fact that Byron never at any point played Larry Nance at center, and Julius Randle at power forward, show a real lack of creativity. I mean, once the season was lost, he should have really unleashed the kids on the NBA. Nance starting at center would have probably generated the same stats that THE Roy Hibbert was giving (please crunch the numbers analytics person, and Nance’s athleticism would have added more than Hibbert’s length.  See below.

That is not a typo, and I am sure you are now hyperventilating. Someone call the paramedics!

In fact, that number is so outrageous, you probably think you are reading an article written by Jerry Springer. And maybe Jerry is to blame. Springer and the baby-face of Zac Efron have gotten to the Lakers heads. Add in some saucy Justin Beiber, and the half-naked, Megan Fox, and the Lakers have gone down in the flames of Hollyweird.

Weird, is the perfect word.

With the champs down 3-0 to a hungry Mavericks team, one would expect the survival mechanism to kick in. These are the Los Angeles Lakers, two time defending champs, deeper than anyone in the league, with a nest of proven title warriors. But instead, the fans have been abandoned with the pretty, bop haircut of Drew Barrymore, and are left to fend off the snakes of reality–too old; Kobe not the same; Pau soft; Bynum’s glass knees; No heart; Defensively poor; Fisher needs to fish elsewhere.

Weird, weirdness, weirder, weirdest, weirdizzle.

And while I’m on the topic, Barrymore is a perfect example. One of her first films, Firestarter, an alt-classic with a cultish’ following, features the young Barrymore blazing through American streets with an ability to start fires. She doesn’t know why she does it, accept that she gets enormously pissed off, and bad things happen to really good people.

So get out the gasoline, and start this here barbecue, because a massive roast is about’ to ensue.

Kobe IS FAR passed his prime. It was obvious in today’s game, that the fifteen years on  his thin, lengthy frame, have worn his once spry knees to ancient nubs. He came out red hot, as to be expected, shooting 6-8 in the 1st quarter. But 2-12 for the remainder, with little lift or drive, beckons the question..has his window of dominance closed?

Bynum, a guy getting paid fourteen million dollars on knees of a sixty year old’s, has reasons to smile. He is the most overrated big man in the league, with an ego the size of Texas.

I vote trade his ass to the South Dakota Greg Oden’s.

Pau is shaken by a recent breakup. Wait, a BREAKUP! Can we now consider Vanessa Bryant the new Yoko?

Fisher is now officially crowned with clownsmanship. I am positive Phil had him out there as comic relief, as everytime he threw Terry, Barrea, or Kidd to the ground, he still had it in him to somehow argue the foul call.

The problem with Artest is he is now Sir’ Ronald Artest, and no longer is going by his thug name Ron Ron “Stab a Juggler Vein.”

I think the basketball God hates Steve Blake because he no longer wears a birca.

LO is also the nickname of a former star on the Teeny Bop MTV series The Hills. And we wonder why Lamar is not a star….?

Kloe Kardashian is the 2nd woman in world history to experience immaculate conception. This occured after Luke Walton used the force during a game of Star Wars.

Walton prefers the name Yoda. Kobe prefers to call him Chewy.

Bring Mark”Mad Dog” Madsen” back, and before every game have the guy dance in a tassle embroidered thong.

Maybe this will turn Jeanie Buss on. Either that, or Phil needs to enhance his libido with viagra. Dude is so impartial, he makes a mute begger look like Chatty Kathy.

Flames.

Like Dante’s hell burning up the gloried, the Heat is on, literally.

And Barrymore, who never learns how to gauge her violent skill, is burning down the house (no pun intended).

ESPN’s Marc Stein reported on February 2nd that Ron Artest was requesting a trade. This was not confirmed by his agent, and it seems Stein cited his source as Artest’s brother Daniel’s Twitter account. Nice scoop. Way to trade the potential story-breaking credit in exchange for your integrity.

Twitter accounts are now apparently sources. I would honestly defy you to find something less relevant than a running mental ‘blurbology’ in it’s most primitive and impulsive form. Maybe you can camp out in your car next to the driveway and see which one of his cars he drives to the gym? If it’s the Benz, he’s styling with content. If it’s the Hummer, he wants to run something over on the way out of town. Sounds fool-proof to me? Take your reliability and shove it, Twitter.

I implore everyone to follow Daniel Artest on Twitter for a couple of hours. The running ticker of absolute nonsense you will be subjected to will urge you to flee to your local news stand and absorb the latest Enquirer just to try and bring yourself back to some semblance of reality.

What if Artest were to be traded? Would the acquisition of a package including either Rip Hamilton, Andre Igoudala or even Carmelo Anthony be something Mitch Kupchak should be interested in? Yes. Would it behoove L.A. in the long run? Yes.

Even with Artest not fitting as well as he should at this point in his stint with L.A., could making a move and throwing an unknown piece in the mix this late in the season hurt L.A.’s chances at a three-peat? Also, yes.

That’s what makes this a very tough call. Do I see it happening? I’m not sold on the idea – but I still offer the possibilty. I don’t think Kupchak would trade any of the big-money players currently on the roster aside from Luke Walton along with Artest for any one player in return. Anthony makes too much money to be swapped for Artest and Walton, as Andrew Bynum or Lamar Odom would have to be included in any deal including Anthony. To that point, I believe even though Odom comes across as aloof at times, his versatility and rebounding tenacity proves invaluable.

That leaves Andrew Bynum and his fourteen million dollar a year salary along with Artest and Walton. There are however a couple of roadblocks with the proposition of packaging all three. First of all, you would be projecting nearly twenty-five million dollars a year to a potential suitor. Second of all, you would need a respectable big man in return to replace the void left by parting ways with Bynum.

With these two factors considered, in the case of Carmelo Anthony, we might be onto something. Twenty-five million in Bynum, Artest and Walton on it’s way out, twenty-eight million with Anthony, as well as a solid veteran replacement at center who also wants out of his current situation, Nene, on it’s way in.

Nene for Bynum straight-up is a win for L.A., as even though both have bad knees, Nene (28) is only 5 years older than Bynum (23), has only played 3 more seasons than Bynum (Bynum was drafted as a 17-year old) and is more of a versatile offensive threat when healthy than is Bynum. Obviously Bynum can be somewhat of a rebounding and shot-blocking force in the middle when 100%, but what Nene gives up slightly in that regard, Bynum does not make up for with his lack of overall elite skill and tenacity when compared to what the Lakers could get along with Nene, a top five player in the NBA, Carmelo Anthony.

I am of the opinion that Bynum has just been incredibly too spoiled by his situation since the day he was drafted, and it shows. He is the first love of co-owner and head of player personel, Jimmy Buss, and when interviewed, he almost has a wry smile that screams, “I know you need me and you know you need me, so I think I hold all the cards and I will give it my all on my schedule ” (as seen early this season with the drawn out, 6-month process of a return from a knee scope, which generally takes no more than 6 weeks).

Are Lakerfans to be held hostage with this frustration season in-season out for the next decade? I would hope not. The franchise is better than that. No twenty-three year old will hold the franchise at ransom. We don’t care if you are seven feet, two hundred eighty-five pounds. Get ready to catch a permanent flight out of town, at any time, away from one of the greatest sports franchises in the world.  Stop taking it for granted kid and start playing like you understand this threat.  Comfort breeds underachievment.

As far as the more important side of the deal, Anthony for Artest and Walton would rival the Pau Gasol trade as far as steals go. Anthony, only 26, and his wife, La La Vazquez, who he tied the knot with in the off-season, might be the perfect fit in ‘La La Land’ to keep the Lakers big-market dominance rolling throughout the decade, even after Kobe retires. Anthony is the type of talent that only comes along less than once and a while. When you have the opportunity to obtain a guy who has the entire offensive arsenal and can score from anywhere on the court and in any way possible, it is worth taking that shot for the sake of the future of your franchise.  If a sign and trade can be worked out with Anthony for five or six years in the neighborhood of just over 100 million, you pull the trigger.

Another real option for the threesome of Bynum, Artest and Walton, would be Igoudala and Elton Brand from Philadelphia. Financially feasible, yes. Athletically and health feasibility, maybe not so much. Igoudala for Artest and Walton alone would be an athletic upgrade, as Igoudala’s attitude, versatility and ability to fit where needed at a very high level would mesh well with what the lakers currently put on the court.

Even with this taken highly into consideration, and while Bynum has had numerous nicks and dings over the first five years of his career, Elton Brand has been a walking wheelchair in recent years past. He isn’t getting any younger at age 31, and his acquisition would require Gasol to play center on defense, something that we saw wasn’t a good situation for the Lakers in the 2008 Finals versus the Celtics. This deal wouldn’t necessarily be the best option that is currently out there.

Bynum, Artest and Walton could also score you Hamilton, Ben Wallace and Ben Gordon from Detroit. The salary swapped is exactly twenty-five million going each way. Yes, the Lakers get a bit older – but you know Wallace will bring it defensively and crash the boards with reckless abandon for the next two years remaining on his contract. This is just the garbage-man puzzle-piece the Lakers need to fill in for the next two to three-year twilight of Kobe’s championship-winning career as a number one, go-to guy.  Poor-man’s Rodman to Kobe’s Jordan?

As far as Hamilton and Gordon – each have three years remaining on their deals, and obtaining these two would not only allow Shannon Brown to inevitably go get his mid-level exception or even more from another organization at season’s end, but would also prove vital in helping replace the aging Derek Fisher in two years.

Combo, mid-sized guards like Hamilton and Gordon, who can both score and have a certain amount of handles, are right up Phil Jackson’s alley, as well as the alley of the coaching staff that is waiting in the wings to continue his legacy.

Moreover, in this particular deal, a trade exception exists. If the Lakers were to acquire Ben Wallace, they could use two million of the five and a half that they owe Sasha Vujacic to pay Wallace’s already bargain of a two million dollar salary. The Nets then become responsible for the two million owed to Vujacic.  извините, Prokhorov.

This move overall would lose the Lakers something in the front-court for this season, but over the long-haul would give them a significant amount of sustainability in the back court.

Whatever all of this analysis is worth, the main counterpoint as to why any of these pipe-dreams would be a daunting proposition to pull the trigger on is the learning curve of joining the Lakers mid-season.

However lacking Bynum still is in the post passing out of the double-team, and however lost Artest may seem in the offense, they are leaps and bounds beyond where anyone acquirable would be come playoff time, and that could be a big problem for the Lakers’ title hopes this season, Phil Jackson’s last.

Could they learn the offense? Everyone does in a matter of time. Would any of them learn enough of it to be comfortable and confident in the limited amount of time between now and when the playoffs start? I highly doubt it.

At the end of the day Lakerfans, it looks as if we could very well be stuck with what we’ve got, and I don’t know if I’m even sure what that is. I still can’t believe I’m saying this at the all-star break. That worries me as it should you.  Although, the recent big win in Boston and the subsequent blowout win in New York gives the like-minded a sliver of hope – hope that it is turning in the right direction and there is no need for the snap-jerk reaction of a trade.

Then again, opportunities arise and the Kupchak swindle could surprise us as it did three years ago. Holding onto Bynum keeps you formidible for now in the middle, but may keep you from staying ‘ahead of the game’ if you shy away from obtaining Anthony, who is without a doubt a once-in-a-generation type of player who is in the prime of his career.

If by the slimmest of chances a trade involving the Lakers happens to unfold before the deadline, some Lakerfans will question it, most will rejoice. If not L.A., Mrs. Vazquez, bank on at least the Big Apple. Either way, get the bags packed and keep them packed, La La.