So in my first week in picking games for the new spring football league, the Alliance of American Football, I picked all of the games correctly (4-0). Then in the second week, I picked all of the games incorrectly (0-4). What does that mean? It most likely means that I am a comedian who happens to like sports, rather than a sports writer who happens to be funny. Either way, I am definitely going into this week’s picks with a new level of “WTF do I really know about any of this stuff” and I am starting to question who I am as artist. Thank god for my daily dose of CBD oil to help make the world a cope-able (not sure if this is a word) place.

LET”S MAKE SOME PICKS!

Orlando Apollos (4-0) at Birmingham Iron (3-1), Saturday at 11am PST

Orlando is good. Birmingham is pretty good, but the main difference between the two of them is that in four games, the Apollos have actually thrown the ball into the end-zone where as the Iron have not. Birmingham has a very good defense, and has a good running game, however, their quarterback, Luis Perez, has yet to throw a touchdown, and that is just not going to cut it against the Apollos.

The Apollos quarterback, Garrett Gilbert, has thrown for six touchdowns, and 0 interceptions. Now, the Apollos didn’t look as indestructible last week versus Salt Lake, however, that game was played in Arendelle, so it’s tough to say that they really have taken a step down. Reminder that Garrett Gilbert has yet to throw an interception, in an upstart football league where all of the quarterbacks were on NFL scout teams. Not trying to be mean, but just trying to point out, that everyone has thrown an interception, except Gilbert. I feel like the Apollos are going to remain undefeated.

Prediction: The Apollos will throw a touchdown, and the telecast will cut to Steve Spurrier (reminder he coaches the Apollos) for some of his “hilarious” in game conversations.

Salt Lake Stallions (1-3) at San Diego Fleet (2-2), Saturday at 5pm PST

This one should be a good game, and is a bit of a tough one to pick. I have been saying all season that Salt Lake is the best team with a losing record. That have had some tough breaks here in there, such as playing a football game in the movie “30 Days of Night” (deep cut, I know), but they are decent team with a solid running game. San Diego was on the precipice of being a really good team, but then their quarterback, Phillip Nelson, broke his clavicle in the first half last week against the Memphis Express, and is out for 4-6 weeks.

The 3rd string quarterback, Alex Ross, came in and threw a touchdown on his second pass, and then turned the ball over a bunch. Needless to say, Alex Ross is not starting this week. However, Mike Bercovici, the Fleet starter in Week One, who was benched because he threw three interceptions, and gave the world this clip . So, seeing him back in the line-up doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence. Combine that with the fact that the Fleet offensive line wasn’t able to get the running game going last weekend, I don’t have a lot of confidence in my (yeah, I am saying “my” because I live in LA and San Diego is two hours away, and there is no LA team in this league, so San Diego is my team) San Diego Fleet.

Prediction: San Diego wins (I am a homer).

Memphis Express (1-3) at Atlanta Legends (1-3), Sunday at 1pm PST

Both of these teams got their first wins last week! Both from their former back-up quarterbacks, both of whom played against each other in the SEC, and both are some of the bigger names in the league. For Memphis, their new quarterback Zach Mettenberger (from LSU) threw for a touchdown and ran for a touchdown last weekend, leading the Express to their first win over my (please see reasons above for calling San Diego “my”) San Diego Fleet. For the Legengs, their new quarterback, Aaron Murray, came into the game against the Arizona Hotshots last weekend after the previous starting quarterback Matt Simms went out for injury, and played well. 

He was 20-33 for 254 yards, and no touchdowns (the Luis Perez special), but he more than passed the eye test as the Legends finally looked like a professional football team on offense. They had a much better time of running the football with all of their backs (Denard Robinson specifically had a little pop to his step). Memphis played well again last week, and got the win after Phillip Nelson went down for the Fleet. Both teams are trending up, but like Thursday night’s “Top Chef”, someone has to lose (I love you Michelle!).

Prediction: ATL

San Antonio Commanders (2-2) at Arizona Hotshots (2-2), Sunday at 5pm PST

The battle of the two win teams, or is it the battle of the two loss teams. Depends on how full or empty that glass is my friends (are we friends? We are? Cool. Will you watch my dog for me?). If you just look at how these teams looked last week, San Antonio is the team to beat here. Arizona, which lost to the previously winless Atlanta Legends, looked really off last week. John Wolford threw no touchdown passes, and had one pick, and the normally stout Hotshots defense was run all over by the Atlanta Legends. The Hotshots started off slow last week, as they have the past two weeks, and they were never really able to recover. Last week, the Commanders gave the Birmingham Iron their first loss of the year, with a win 12-11. I didn’t touch on this Birmingham/San Antonio game too much, because, I’m sorry, it was pretty ugly game.

The thing about the AAF is that since there is no PAT, meaning you have to go for two after every touchdown and it makes for some weird scores. That being said, as you know (killer intro to a sentence, Kenny), Birmingham doesn’t throw touchdowns, and San Antonio, also didn’t throw a touchdown either, so their 12-11 battle last week, was kind of a tough watch. Spotlight though on Kenneth (great name) Farrow who ran for 142 yards last week, and looks like a player. This game comes down to who can actually THROW the ball in the end zone, and I can’t say for certain who that is, but I will try below.

Prediction: San Antonio.

Prior to the 2002 Super Bowl, the Rams were 14-point favorites. Everyone talked about how the Rams’ offense was unstoppable. The Patriots set a precedent for team unity by following the Rams individual player introductions by being introduced as a team. They proceeded to grit out a 3-point win for the first of their multiple Super Bowls during the decade. It’s hard to imagine the Patriots as an underdog, but prior to the 2002 Super Bowl they were. And the pundits were wrong.

Also in 2002, the second round of the NBA Playoffs provided a match-up that the pundits and even Las Vegas were drooling over. The two most high-powered and entertaining offenses in the NBA that year were matched-up in what was sure to be a high-scoring series. Because they hoped to see a long series between two fun-to-watch teams, pundits predicted a close matchup.

Side note: While in Las Vegas for my 21st birthday, I put 20 bucks on the “under” in Game 1 of the series. Everyone thought the series would be really high-scoring, and it ended up being so. Game 1, however, was not. My 20 bucks on the under was one of the only sports bets I’ve ever made. Betting against the prevailing wisdom is good to do sometimes.

This morning, ESPN’s NBA experts were talking about how great the upcoming series between Memphis and Oklahoma City would be. They said that the Grizzlies have a great chance to win the series and hyped the series more than any second round series during the past few years.

This is another case of the pundits being wrong. I am picking the Thunder in 5 games. Much like the Mavs-Blazers first-round series, the games will be fun to watch, but the series will never be really in question.

Other predictions:

Lakers over Mavs in Six games.

Heat over Celtics in Six games.

Bulls over Hawks in Five games.