I needed to hide in my proverbial cave before entering back into the world of sports. The media’s recycled replay has stolen anything and everything fresh to talk about. For days I’ve thought about Super Bowl XLVII and come up with zilch. Nada.

I scratched on a lined sheet of paper a few ideas, but each fell flat.  Ray Lewis retiring was too obvious. Joe Flacco’s soon-be and well-earned mega contract was too recycled.  Jim Harbaugh’s over-conservatism on offense. Ah, now there’s a hard hitter, but it is too early to say if that’s really a problem yet.  And the next landing spot for Alex Smith is boring.

The media spinsters have stolen every crumb worth discussing from a football-related standpoint. ESPN is truly the evil empire. But Dan Patrick and his Fox Sports getaway aren’t void of such a name tag either.

When thinking back to what was ultimately a pretty damn good game between two brothers on opposing sidelines, I’m left dumbfounded at the obvious: the game seemed rigged. Yes, rigged—at least on some level it was.

When the lights went out it was a little too weird. Too cliche of a  story line. Like a classic horror spot on with the scene when the lights flicker and the down and out(the 49ers) are tested to their ultimate limit.

A league as pretentious as the celebrity driven NFL, in my opinion, is not far removed from making this sort of thing happen. Albeit it’s out-there to think so, sure. But absolutely impossible? I don’t think so.

Seventeen points were put up in a four minute stretch following the return of the lights, by a team that mustered only 6 in all of the first half. I timed that. It took me four minutes this morning to brush my teeth and tie my tie. By the time I put my shoes and socks on, it had gone from 4 minutes to 6, 7, maybe 8 or 9. In half the amount of time it took me to brush my teeth, tie my tie and put my shoes on, the 49ers offense magically unveiled 17 points on a defense playing out of their minds?

Give. Me. A. Break.

That was a storyline straight from the Goodell playbook. And it was well-timed. It was a strategic move attempting to draw back the league’s growing disenchanted fan base.  Super Bowl XLVII had the lowest rating in 7 years.

Yes, the lowest.

This means there is a chance for other popular leagues like Major League Baseball or the NBA to reclaim what once was a more equitable balance of American sports power.

Beyonce’s halftime show was… interesting. Maybe it should have had a rating on it though. By Beelover9481 (Beyoncé Knowles), via Wikimedia Commons

Inception, Leonardo Dicaprio, remember? Goodell needs a story to manipulate the masses, draw us back, make us live, eat and and pray the game of football, but it’s not working. The media has been muted on the issue. After all, they are more invested in the NFL’s success than anyone. We’re slowly, but surely, tiring of the league’s ridiculous rule changes and unlawful bounties.

And then there was Beyonce Z at halftime.  Oh God, her crotch grabs and tongue licks were enough to make a five year old dream about making love. And that’s just gross. I threw up in my mouth with each and every one of her ego-maniacal dance moves. I would have rather seen Meatloaf beat box half-naked in a pair of high heels. Her manifestation of what some people define to be music, was as bad if not worse than the infamous Janet Jackson nip-slip. Soft core porn has become a byproduct of an NFL clearly grasping at straws.

In 30 years, I believe, the NFL will cease to exist as we know it for a variety of reasons. It could be because of an alien invasion. Or simply people moving on. Some other steroid-hungry sport will come along and strike our fancy. Like Glass Eating. Ten wine glasses wins. Most blood determines league MVP.

Whether or not such a prediction is true, you can count on this. Tomorrow you will wake up, you will tune into ESPN and listen to whatever ESPN anchor spout the same nonchalant stupidity in a neverending diatribe of bafoonery. NFL, NFL, NFL. All NFL.

Turn the TV off. Have a conversation with yourself in the mirror. Discuss the implications of growing a beautiful beard (or not; or if you’re a lady, the implications of growing leg hair) and join James Harden in his ultimate quest.

There are a number of glorious beards in football too, after all.

Deer antler spray and gay-bashing are unfortunately the driving headlines leading into Super Bowl XLVII. This is the circus that the Super Bowl “media” ring has become.

Real reporters and analysts asking real questions have been pushed aside in favor of paparazzi and comedians – but I guess this is what Super Bowl media week has always been about – sideshow over substance.

Hearsay about what is realistically the equivalent of popping a few extra vitamins and opinions on social issues have officially engulfed the anticipation of the game itself.  The insignificant and unbelonging are being overvalued.  The news shouldn’t be what football players think about swirling gossip and civil rights.

The “media” sideshow around the Super Bowl has unfortunately taken center stage once again. By National Football League [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Maybe its just me. I suppose I’m only interested in the X’s and O’s, but I assume there are actually people out there that care about all the undercard nonsense? It wouldn’t be driving the media if that weren’t the case? I guess I’ll never come around to the TMZ factor – but then again, I never hope to.

Move to the matchup on the field. What immediately comes to mind when breaking it down?

The difference-maker is undoubtedly Colin Kaepernick.  What he has the ability to do is something no one else that will be taking the field is capable of:  turning something into nothing the majority of his team’s offensive snaps.

And why do I dance around the “something into nothing” factor with the caveat of “the majority of offensive snaps?”  Ray Rice doesn’t take the snap from Matt Birk.  Rice can absolutely put the same type of pressure on a defense that Kaepernick can, but the ball just has to travel further to find him.

Touches, touches, touches.  Rice needs more than 25 throughout the course of the game for the Ravens to be on schedule. Throughout the end of the regular season and into the playoffs, newly-appointed offensive coordinator Jim Caldwell, formerly the head coach of the Indianapolis Colts, has kept Baltimore on-time.

49ers defensive coordinator Vic Fangio is a creative mind that will be more than ready for what Baltimore has already shown they are capable of doing.  The key for Caldwell will be comprising twists and tweaks that haven’t been documented on tape.

Look for the Ravens to have gadgets ready on 1st-and-10 to 2nd-and-ahead situations in the middle of the field.  Don’t rule out a Rice-Flacco-Smith flea-flicker if the opportunity presents itself in an advantageous down and distance with room to work.

Ray Rice will have to be an explosive factor for the Ravens to emerge victorious. By U.S. Air Force photo by Staff Sgt. Benjamin Hughes/Released [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Two brothers, two sons of a coach, going head to head for the game’s ultimate prize?  Some deeply conceived surprise is bound to unravel.

Now place your mind on the opening kick.

If San Francisco comes out and gets a lead with Kaepernick getting loose, the burden for Baltimore will quickly find its way to Joe Flacco.  Advantage: 49ers.

If Baltimore can control the clock in the 1st half, the groundwork will be laid and the rock will end up lying with Ray Rice in the end instead of Flacco.  Advantage: Ravens.

The other side of the coin?  “God is absolutely AMAZIN’!”

There isn’t a doubt Ray Lewis will have his defense pumped up for one last final pass through the gauntlet.  The motivating factor behind a single galvanizing player being able to inspire an entire team in the ultimate fashion can’t be understated.

That being said, what unfolds on the turf still ends up rising over words in the locker room.  Talent and opportunity fundamentally prevails more than motivational speeches – but I think it goes beyond that to a certain extent.

History and experience on big stages has a better shot of winning out in a game like this.  Top to bottom, the Ravens simply have been there more than the 49ers have.  And when you factor in a complete wildcard like Kaepernick, the potential for him to dominate doesn’t completely cancel out the potential for him to fold under the pressure.  His naivete could superceed his obliviousness in the end.

He might not have known where he was in all of his 10 NFL starts that fill his resume, but I think he will eventually find out where he actually is come crunchtime.  Asking what is essentially a rookie quarterback to finish on the grandest of main-event stages is as “all or nothing” of a bet as it gets.

I’m not really much for predictions.

Ravens 27 – 49ers 23.  Whoops.  Slip of the keyboard.