For many of us, Summer means little to our fansmanship. As much as we try to appreciate America’s great past-time, Baseball is too slow and monotonous. We are seeking more than just an old timers’ game; more than five dollar English Leather cologne.

It is supposed to be the fun-time of the year. Many of us get time off of work to visit the world, sit on the beach, party with friends. Most importantly for us bachelors (and non-bachelors if we’re honest) the quadruple B’s are out in full force–blond, bronzed, bikini’d, bodies.

Head out to Avila Beach or Pismo for an hour and you will have plenty of memories by the time you’re done eye-surfing the summatime candy.

But hold on. Just hold up a bit. We don’t want to be creepers now do we? When you took the career job or said I DO, life took a turn for the better. Life was no longer a never-ending scene from Baywatch, and you are no longer David Hasselhoff and his abundantly woodsy chest.

Promiscuity is a bad bad word now, it will cause you to pull a groin or pat on tiger balm morning, mid-day, and night. It is not meant for us mature ones, but for the spry youngsters with a libido the size of Roseanne.

This my friends is no fun, I know. Yesterday I nearly pulled a hamstring on the stationary elliptical. I was trying to both watch ESPN and fake-run at the same time. Sounds easy enough, but nearing thirty, nothing has become easy. The “honey yes, honey of course, honey I will,” sorts of answers, are all that are easy. My life is a tedium glass house, I say no and the world comes crumbling down.

Summatime…

Remember playing ball nine to five on the blacktop with a few friends? It’s seventy five, a clear ardent blue coats the horizon, and the dead day just slumped on your shoulders with not a thing to do. Each one of your pretended for an eight hour period you were MJ, Scottie Pippen, Penny, Shaq, Larry Johnson, Zo, Grant Hill, or Hakeem.

Those were the days. Now, as a tax-paying citizen you’ve grown to resent the group I listed above. As you collect your unemployment from your poor paying teaching gig, your rose colored glasses including your young affair with believing in the impossible have slapped the basement of your life and crumbled into a million little pieces.

Summatime…

Relax, at some point all of us end up washed up. If an epic duo like Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff could never produce anything more than their one-hit album, then trust me, you and I will be forced to scan, fax, make copies, and staple for a living.

But what Summatime foreshadows are feelings of freedom. Despite our limited free time and fading memories of running the black top with skinned knees and soda pop, we all have a place within us that can go there.

Who would of thunk watching men’s professional tennis could excite me like Pam Anderson’s bobbing twins used to? Now as an unemployed man I have the ability to depressingly relive the glory days and bring back the first loves of season: sports, sports, and more sports.

Yes, sports.

Currently, A-Rod is stepping closer and closer to Barry’s all-time home run mark, Tiger is trying to return to form and assume his rightful place as golf’s all-time greatest, and the best living tennis player is still playing at an extremely high level in Roger Federer. Not to mention on Sunday, Jeff Gordon won his 84th NASCAR race, ranking fourth all-time on the list and assuming at forty one, he may go down alongside Richard Petty as the greatest driver in World history.

All this and it’s Summatime. Some things to keep an eye this Summer as you either bum it or find the time in your hectic life to Tivo something. Keep an eye on the Boston Red Sox, who after starting the season 1-9, currrently own the second best record in Baseball and are on pace to be just the ninth team in league history to eclipse 1,000 runs scored in a season.

Watch A-Rod continue his climb to home run greatness, as he sits just thirty four shy of the great Willie Mays mark of 660 at fourth all-time.

The NBA draft on June 23rd is always an intriguing experience. For NBA fans, this not only can shape your future (think Boston in 07′ with the trades of both KG and Ray Ray), but offers a glimpse in the leagues future. This year the popular names are the tweeners, Jimmer Fredette of BYU and Kemba Walker of Uconn, both highly talented but not sure lottery choices as of now.

Normally the draft would be all fun and games. That is if there was not a looming NBA lockout. According to NBA analyst Charles Barkley, the owners are at a “point where they are going to try and break these players unions down.”

Like the NBA’s situation, the NFL lockout has to be the most intriguing situation for sports fans. Most of us wait the two dead  Summer months: June and July, for August when football training camps report and news regarding trades begin to swirl. As of now, both sides remain at a stall and the idea of living without football for many not only kills their Summer, but does away with Sunday beer drinking hoots around the tube. Now Church is the only sad option.

June gloom is definitely upon us. A marshmallow cloud bank over the Pacific does it justice. Not only are we concerned about our lack of freedoms living as grown adults but we also may have to live without two of our favorites next year. In order to keep the faith, now would be a good time watch Baywatch re-runs or finally take up those dance lessons.

For this week’s “what-if,” I decided to turn the equation around. Lots of pro athletes think they can act. Recent revelations about Charlie Sheen have been interesting. He seems to be doing a new outlandish interview every day. The first of these interviews was with a sports personality, Dan Patrick. In that interview, Sheen talks about his love of baseball, the movie Major League, and his open pass to the UCLA batting cages. His tips to the UCLA team were humorous but didn’t spark my imagination as much as thinking of Sheen as an athlete.

So my question is this: What if Sheen was a pro athlete and not an actor?

The mention of Sheen in the entertainment world is akin to the mention of Kobe or Lebron in the sports world. It brings about such a wide variety of opinions and emotion. My wife’s eye rolls at Sheen are legendary. Everyone cares one way or another- or tries so hard not to care, that it comes off as caring.

In his Dan Patrick interview, which I posted here, Charlie came off as engaging, honest, and energetic. Someone on the show described his energy as contagious — one of the things that probably makes his show the top rated show on television. As an athlete, Sheen would probably be something between ManRam at his best, Magic Johnson, and the Red Sox version of Curt Schilling. Engaging and fun first, enjoying life, and seemingly indifferent to any negative opinions.

I said I would go back and explain why the NBA fosters guys who want to be actors so here goes. The NBA, more than any league, is star-driven. Stars make more of a difference in the daily winning and losing of a team more than any other professional team sport in this country. An NBA Coach once said that the winning team will be the one that gets the most shots for their best player.

That being said, NBA players likely have egos bigger than those in other sports. They are one of 12 on a given team rather than one of 25 or one of 53. They don’t wear helmets and the NBA purports to be one of the most theatrical professional leagues. Baseball players have a few instances where they use theatrics, but nothing like the NBA. NFL players aren’t flopping trying to take charges.

To be an NBA player means you are one of the elite and have been treated differently for a long time. Charlie Sheen has always been part of the Hollywood elite. His father and brother are both famous actors, and he has never known how to be any different than he is. The problem with this, of course, is that he’s never known how to be any different than he is.

What kind of a teammate would Charlie Sheen be and could he relate to his teammates? Contrary to what a fan’s initial reaction might be, I think Sheen would probably be a really good teammate. His infectious positive attitude is one that, like ManRam did for the Dodgers or Magic to the Lakers, can soak deep into the attitudes of his teammates.

One of the things Athletes have in common with Charlie Sheen, at least on the surface, is money. But looking more closely, there are under five athletes who can hold a candle to Sheen’s money and none who can match his power as an actor – at least until his show canceled the rest of its season recently.

Not that I have any personal experience with any of it, but $3 million per week is a lot more than what any athlete makes. At $3 million per week (even if it’s hugely taxed and you’re only taking home, say, half…), you are able to do pretty much whatever it is you please. With no repercussions from his employers until the past week, Sheen has pulled in his huge income and has been able to do whatever he has wanted whenever he pleased.

When sitting around with a bunch of dudes tonight, I brought up the question and the first name that came out of people’s mouths was Tiger Woods. Unlike Woods, Sheen would probably be a great teammate. All indicators are that he is trying to make sure the crew of his show are taken care of, even while it isn’t shooting.

The money Sheen makes and the power he wields as an individual are what make Sheen and Woods Similar.  Sheen’s income has probably been closer to that of Woods than any other pro athlete. The psychology behind being a singularly popular sensation has to be similar. Like Woods, Sheen’s misdeeds have finally caught up to him. Like Woods, I can’t be sure if Sheen will ever be the same.

Unlike Woods, though, Sheen would be an excellent teammate in his chosen sport, which would almost certainly be baseball. The unwritten rules and unexplainable cosmic principles that guide baseball are to Sheen the basic fundamentals of life itself. While Sheen may not have been able to control himself while on his own, why couldn’t a team keep him in line. With talent like Sheen has, he would be a Gold Glove outfielder willing to do anything for his teammates. Having never spent any time in his presence, my best guess is that, as a pro athlete, he would be equal parts Shane Victorino, Tiger Woods, Curt Schilling, and, unfortunately, Miguel Cabrera.

I hope Sheen stays sober. The world is more interesting with him around, and I wouldn’t say that about any actor or any celebrity. His Ochocinco-like panache would make any sport more interesting.

As long as his skills stay strong in his field and as long as he takes care of himself enough to continue in the craft of acting, Sheen will be interesting. Here’s hoping he doesn’t  start declining like Ochocinco. Here’s hoping he hasn’t already blown his chance.

owen@fansmanship.com