By Keith Allison (originally posted to Flickr as Ray Lewis) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

What does a man do with deer-antler velvet extract? Rub his body in it, run naked in a forest and frolic candidly amongst the doe’?

It’s so outrageous, that as I’m writing this, I can’t stop imagining Ray Lewis naked, and that’s just wrong. Ray Lewis should never be naked nor should he remind me of cottontail creatures in beautiful, bird-chirping forests. He has, for most of his career, been a freak of nature, more super-hero than chagrining saint, more mean than prim with niceties.

If Ray Lewis took deer-antler velvet extract like this article says he did, than I’m more concerned with PETA than I am with a Colin Kaepernick-led 49ers offense, so diverse and intricate in their play calling, they make memorization of the mathematical pi symbol elementary.

PETA aside, the Ravens could have a real problem on their hands –

On Sunday a defense that allows 415.0 yards per game in the postseason, and big plays to opposing receivers iwth high YAC-averages to emphatically emphasize that skill,  lines up against the record breaking legs of Kapernick, a rejuvenated Frank Gore, slant middle possession player in Michael Crabtree and of course, the explosive Vernon Davis.

You can almost hear the creaky old Ravens defense doing a whole lot of YACing on the sideline. A defense that ranked 17th all season is not the kind of thing I feel totally comfortable about. And nor should any of you bandwagon believers.

It might take more than a lively prayer or antler spray to salvage Ray this time. If not, than good riddance. I’m tired of the shenanigans.

I would love to hear your most creative descriptions of deer-antler velvet extract. Post below.

There is a black line slicing right through the front of Jim Harbaugh’s cranium on my TV. What does it mean? What symbolic power does the black faded line possess?

Can Alex Smith still lead the 49ers to the promised land or is it time to move on? By John Martinez Pavliga (originally posted to Flickr as IMG_7505) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

I’m ghetto like that.

But grills, plastic furniture and silver bullets aside, I’m possessed by the image of a focused, well-formed Jim Harbaugh split in two. It has to mean something.

The Niners are gelling. With a record of 7-2-1 they are dominating the NFC West. They are so good, their back up quarterback (blessed with so many outlandishly-gifted offensive weapons) sliced and diced Da Bears defense to the tune of 10.3 yards a play in the first half of a 32-7 Monday Night blowout. And their offense isn’t half as good as their league-leading defense, which allows a paltry 13.4 points.

But sometimes when things are going this well, there are issues on the horizon. Issues that might explain the humorous coach’s two-sided face. Like what to do with Alex Smith.

It’s not that Smith has been Pro-Bowl worthy, or that he is the clear-cut leader of a team which was 6-2-1 with him as the starter. It’s that Smith has been the cookie-cutter team quarterback, taking pay cuts, while playing fluidly efficient in Harbaugh’s system. Through nine games the eight year veteran is having the best season of his career, boasting a 104.1 quarterback rating to go along with thirteen touchdown to five interceptions. He may not be a game changer, but he’s a great game controller. And that should not be taken lightly.

This, after last year’s run to the NFC championship game, was finally Smith’s team. It was a year when Harbaugh would let-loose the reigns and allow the twenty-eight year old underachiever room to operate and grow into his own, outside the sterile conservatism of a run-first, Aker-legged offense.  But when Harbaugh has attempted to let him loose he’s failed, throwing 3 interceptions to 0 touchdowns in a blowout loss to the champion Giants on October 14th. So the word on the street is that a quarterback change is in the near future.

The athletic, fire-throwing, Colin Kaepernick was accurate, mobile, and brought a sense of passion to the position on Monday night. Not to mention, he got Vernon Davis involved to the tune of six receptions and a touchdown. The star tight end had caught just nine balls his previous four games.

Davis’s exuberant man crush after the win in favor of Kaepernick was clear.  A resonance I’m sure sent shock waves in and through the entire team.

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=lf6lwqBwuSY

While a black line splits through Jim Harbaugh’s heart, so it does to mine. We all know the way to a man’s heart is through food, television and beer. And while I may have two of the three locked up, I’m certain to need the third in order to complete the holy triumphant. Olivier will definitely not be the answer this go around.  I’m thinking Westinghouse. I’m thinking Harbaugh is tempted to try out a new device, and if all things fail, he can always go back to the original.

The 49ers are like a rusted old 1956 Chevy pickup with no tires, windows, or steering wheel.  Yes they have the best linebacker in football in P-Will, a blossoming superstar receiver in Mike Crabtree,  a top three tight end in Vernon Davis, and when healthy, which don’t put your money on, dude would get hurt walking in the grocery store, top three running back in Frank Gore. BUT THEY DON’T HAVE A QUARTERBACK! And unless they can resurrect Trent Dilfer, the only non-quarterback recently to win one, then it sure as hell is not happening with Alex Smith, David Carr, or Troy Smith. All three have compiled a career record of 38-78 at the starting quarter back position. Which makes me wonder…how much of a difference will Jim Harbaugh make in comparison to the hard-nosed Singletary?

To be fair, Singletary did not do that bad of a job. Honestly he was the man who took Vernon Davis from dud to stud, and brought back an attitude of hard-nosed play the 49ers have not seen since the mid-90’s.  His 18-22 mark is an over-achievement for an organization with about as much direction as Latrell Sprewell’s spastic dribbling. A team that has been through more offensive coordinators than my wife has haircuts in the last ten years. He did this with no quarterback,  and an inconsistent defense that lacks mainly at the corner position. A serious position, considering most yards accrue through the air.

It is fair to say, when going to an organization like the 49ers, the majority of coaches will fail. It doesn’t matter your intent nor your expertise, because the reality is that unless you have the components to work the car, then the car isn’t going to start.  Frank Gore’s health? Starting Quarterback? Mike Crabtree’s drive? Cornerback? And the list continues to mount within a depressive off-season for a team that finished 6-10.  As the great Freddie Mercury so elegantly put, “another one bites the dust.” Give it two, maybe three, years and reality would say Harbaugh will be filing for unemployment.

-Luke Johnson