The Holy Scriptures of Beardism: Chapter 1, Verse 1-10 From the Book of Scott Pollard: “The Kingdom of James Harden”

James never impressed me when he was at Arizona State. He scored most of his points off garbage put backs and had an erratic jump shot.  He was good at playing within a system, but displayed little to any characteristics that made me believe he could get open and excel the way he has in the NBA.

When he was drafted 3rd overall by the Oklahoma City Thunder in 2009, I scoffed at the selection. And early into his rookie campaign I seemed to be right. But fast-forward three years and Harden is now a bonafide superstar with the Houston Rockets. Averaging 25.9 points per game, he’s slowly become one of the NBA’s most versatile players.

We can link this this steady rise to the very thing that makes every man more of a man: the Beard. Yes, the beard. I’m not “talking bout practice,” Allen Iverson. I’m talking about the beard. Harden’s “Mustafa”. Make no mistake about it, the beardonian’s improvement has grown literally while the beard has each and every year of his NBA career.

The national beard registry states this holy beardism: “Ninety-nine Civil War Generals and Admirals wore beards, three went on to become President of the United States, (their beards went with them). All beards are beautiful and worthy of registration.  But the majestic and magnificent full aged beard is the ultimate quest.”

What does this all mean? This means that James Harden is not alone in his quest for the ultimate beard. Each and every man capable of growing such a beard is meant for greater things. Throw the tie and cubical away. If you can rightfully possess a beard you can become the all star of your very own universe.

Here was Harden as a bland set-structured player in College.

And here is Harden enrobed with the essence of beard today.

James Harden, the prophet of the beardism, with the all-mighty Mustafa.
By Derral Chen, via Wikimedia Commons

If you are or were a woman, would you rather sleep with James Harden then or James Harden now? The obvious answer is James Harden now. Clearly the modern day Harden is strong as a timber man and deep as a Barry White. The James Harden now is, for the 1st time, a Western Conference All Star and, arguably, an MVP candidate.

There is one perennial force you will face if you decide to become a follower of Beardism: the Woman. Unlike Harden, you probably aren’t as wealthy nor as stunningly athletic, so you naturally already have two major points against you.

Most women can’t stand the beard for a variety of reasons, some fair (“You don’t have a beard, you have what looks like random pubic hairs all across your face. Gross”) and some not so fair. But mostly not-so fair. Some of these reasons are: “I miss seeing your face,” “We have to take Christmas pictures,” “You’re scary,” “It’s pokie,” “It gives the baby a rash,” and “Your job wouldn’t like that.” But I’m here to assure you that all those excuses are a bunch of lies.

The enemy would want you to run from who you truly are because when you are truly who you are, you are like a love child between Conan the Barbarian and Paul Bunyan. This same enemy during the long Winter months secretly grows sharp tufts of leg hair that feel much like splinters of fiberglass. They will deny this if you bring this up… so don’t! Use this truth as ammo when she decides to buy you a state of the art, electric 10-blade razor system. In return, buy her Nare strips, and if she has the guts call you a chauvinist pig and an anti-feminist, close the debate with this: ” You’re an anti-maleist and a sicko who likes me best when I look like a sophomore in high school. That’s disturbing. I’m really weirded out right now.”

That line will always work. It’s a Beardonian truth.

Your first Beardonian reading is this from Chapter 1, Verse 1-10 in the Book of Scott Pollard :

“In the beginning a boy was born and his name was James. He wanted to be the kind of man his friends referred to as James. But instead they called him Harden, making him feel like less of a man; like he had not respect from his teammates; like he wasn’t worthy of utter domination; like he was being dominated, posterized, internally dunked on by Gheorghe Muresan. He wanted to be Gheorge Muresan. And so he set out on a journey into the tangles of his chin. And up rose into the crest of his lip, the lingering rivers of hair that flowed from his lip to his sideburns, on down the neck in a sea fuzz, empowering him to accomplish great things.. When he woke the following morning he had inherited the kingdom of Houston. “

If you have converted to beardism today you might be wondering what type of beards you can grow. The follow up to this article will be from the book of Baron Davis and will educate all beardites on the various styles of beards. Don’t ever give up. Keep growing.

Trackbacks

1. Super Bowl XLVII: Roger Goodell’s Cinematic Gestures Fall Flat - Fansmanship says:

   02/08/2013 at 9:01 am

   […] Turn the TV off. Have a conversation with yourself in the mirror. Discuss the implications of growing a beautiful beard (or not; or if you’re a lady, the implications of growing leg hair) and join James Harden in his ultimate quest. […]